"Back in the saddle again"

Well, as of July 31, I am back in the classroom for my final HOORAH! So much has happened in the past month (or more) since my last post. I found out that one of my former subordinates is the reason that I lost my position as Senior, I also found out that I will be moved after this cycle due to "my inability" to work with anyone up there. That was a fun conversation to have with "Rusty Nail" (my boss).



"Ah, well, um, I think that it will be good, so that you can take care of, well, you know, so that you can get better, and that you can get ready to get back in the fight. I mean it should, ahhh, be a good move." And so on and so on.


Sometimes people and their mannerisms amaze me. the sincerity of what he was trying to say to me was lost somewhere between "Ah" and "um". And to think that I was starting to force myself to like and get along with this chode!!



Well, enough of that shit. Dr. Zhivago has successfully opened me up in counseling. I came home last week entirely rejuvenated. I felt like the whole world was new to me, that I was seeing it the first time through my own eyes. I have come to think that this whole depression was manifested by some corner of my brain to shield myself from something, and to make an excuse for the things that I would fail or do poorly at. Like I was giving myself a reason for being a piece of shit.


I don't know if I ever blogged about it, but there was a time about a year ago that I was wondering about that very thing. That was when the drugs seemed to quit working. It has really been over a year since I was on drugs that really seemed to work well, and on a regular basis. I wondered a long time ago if that was my body saying that there was no physiological reason for my moods and depression. the more I talk to Zhivago, the more I think that is correct. The only question that remains is WHY! Why would I put myself through this, what would cause me to want to shut down? Why do I feel like it is necessary to get absolutely pissed off at some point every day?!



I don't know haw far along I am in the counseling process, or how much longer it will be until I am actually comfortable with my emotions and my state of being in this world, but I do know that it does really bother me to realize that I am not in control of my brain, and that it has absolute control of me. This may take some getting used to.

One of the most spot on reads I have found about Depression!!

If you click on the title you will finally be whisked away into a good and thought provoking read, I am actually going to print it out and give it to my coworkers, just to hopefully make them feel like shit!  No, I don't hold a grudge, read the article, you will understand.  I LOVE YOU Kaytabug!!!

I must warn you that it is a bit long, so the part that I am referring to is the first portion.  A good and informative read all the way through though.  Hope you enjoy it.

I thought you could use a laugh.

The official how to cheer up manual

Click the title to be whisked away to land of eternal bliss!!!

I am serious, I would not make this shit up!!!  The gall of some people!!  Makes me think of that one blonde headed perky little rich cheerleader in high school that would laugh at you every time you tried to compliment her on her ability to do the splits while doing a hand stand and ask if she knows that it is also in the Kama Sutra.  I mean; you know what I mean right?  Not that I am holding some crazy thing after like 13 years right, that would be weird right?!  Any way, check it out and then clear your history so you don't ever go back there again!!

Blast from the past

How is it possible to develop friendships without knowing a person, without seeing their facial expressions, or even being able to tell if they are lying. the only thing you know about me is what I type, I can type whatever I want, and you will all assume that it is genuine and true. What is it about blogging that people enjoy so much? Is it the assumed security of anonymity, or the ability to talk (or type) anything you want with no repercussions? Is it the yearning to find a listening ear (even if the ear is technological and transcribes everything into sequences of 1's and 0's)? Maybe it is just the thought of being able to say what you want without the possibility of judgment from the computer. Whatever the reason, many people do it, and are better off. It possibly saves people from feeling lonely in times that they need to feel some sort of kinship and belonging; and for that I think that it may be worth it. 

That was my firs blog post...  anyone else see a connection here?

Please don't be afraid to comment, if anything it gives me a perspective.  I don't know you and I don't have to read the entire thing if I don't like it, I am just tired of feeling alone with Kaytabug in this.

Excrements (the second movement)

After looking at numerous websites, trying to find something new that hasn’t been discussed with Dr. Spock, or the new guy known as Dr. Zhivago (he’s who I see for counseling now) I am still at a loss. I don’t know why I bother looking, I just get more hopeless every time because I realize that I may never know what the fuck is wrong, and if I don’t know what is wrong, then I can’t do anything to fix it. I want to talk to Spock about a brain biopsy. That is about the only physical thing left to do that might help. I asked him yesterday about committing myself to the psyche ward at the hospital on base. I know what that will bring about as far as the job and military go, but at this point I would rather lose that than my family. I just wish that those here that I work with would just take it seriously.

I can’t fully explain how it feels to be AFRAID to go to work. That fear stems from how I know I will feel the entire time that I am there, the fact that I know the life will be sucked out of me while I am there. What are they thinking about? Am I a piece of shit in their mind? Why can’t I control this? What if I lose my temper and let it show? That fear quickly turns to ANGER, ANGER AT MY PEERS AND SUPERVISORS FOR THE SMALL THINGS THAT THEY DO THROUGHOUT THE DAY THAT PUSH ALL OF MY BUTTONS. EVEN THOUGH I KNOW THAT IT IS NOT THEIR INTENT, IT IS JUST HOW I PERCEIVE THEIR ACTIONS AND WORDS. EVEN WHEN I KNOW THIS TO BE TRUE, AND TELL MYSELF THIS, I CANNOT GET OVER IT I DRIVE MYSELF CRAZY RUNNING IT THROUGH MY HEAD OVER AND OVER CREATING A FUCKING WHIRLWIND THAT ELIMINATES EVERYTHING ELSE until I am left with nothing and again I am apathetic, and listless. Emotionally drained and no better off than I was before. Then before long I start thinking about what just happened in my mind, and I for some reason decide to retrace the thoughts and try to figure out what the trigger was, and right about that time is when someone walks past and notices that I has a strange look on my face, and they SLAP ME ON THE KNEE AND TELL ME TO “CHEER UP”. Again it must be fucking nice to live in your lovely little fucking world where everything is perfect and nothing can put a frown on you pretty little fucking face!!! What the fuck is wrong with me, why am I thinking things like this? Is this normal? WTF? WTF? WTF? WTF? Why am I like this? Why can’t I fix this? Why do I let myself get this angry over dumb shit? Dumbshit? That’s what they think I am. I hate you all!!! But really, who cares? Does it matter? Here I am and here I will be until I am gone, (sigh).

Insult to injury: Today is Cheer Up Someone Lonely Day. How fucking ironic, and it starts again!

Excrements From a Hurricane Filled Mind

It must be nice to wake up in the morning with the sun shining bright in your mind. I am not talking about being clear-headed; I am talking about not having a Category 5 hurricane going on in there. No rhyme or reason to the thoughts that come and go, and no emotions but anger, hopelessness and despair. And as the day progresses, it gets worse and worse, and the more you deal with the people that you work with the more hectic and erratic your thoughts get. You spend most of your day trying to control your gestures, and actions and words to avoid being “labeled” as “crazy”, or worse yet a “piece of shit”

I am so tired of being told that I will “get past it” or better yet fucking “out-grow” it. Yesterday I was told to “cheer-up”; is there a manual for that, I mean is it so easy for you to just cheer up that you would think giving a command like that would have the same effect that telling your dog to sit would have, like I could just like that, have your gay, happy, sunny fucking outlook on the pile of shit that is in my fucking head and life?

3 weeks into counseling and about 5 weeks without meds and I feel worse and worse and worse. I couldn’t even enjoy myself when surrounded by TRUE friends during the 4th. I feel like it is only a matter of time before I lose my bearing and do or say something that I will regret. I am afraid of driving Kaytabug away and turning the boys into “mini-me’s” they all deserve better than what I am becoming. No one deserves this. No one deserves me. How is it possible that this would be getting more and more difficult to contain and control. Is this what is supposed to happen with counseling? Do I need to get back to the meds? Do I need to press the test results and commit myself?

Understanding can be a great thing; it is just too bad that no one tried to understand me when I was young. I don’t mean teenager years I mean from birth to now. The people who are supposed to show that undying devotion and commitment and desire to understand would rather I just “shut up”. I think I heard those words more than “I love you” as a child. But isn’t that the way everyone had it? Why is it that I can’t control myself now, and everyone else can? Why do I hate you for trying to understand? Why does it make me so angry when people try to understand? I am tired of being let down, just like my peers did when I shared my ailment with them and they have successfully alienated me at work and I feel like the biggest waste of space in the world, all because I tried to make them understand something they don’t want to acknowledge in their perfect little worlds! I FUCKING LOATHE THEM!

Notes from Retro's phone...

----------------June 1-------------
Emotional disregulation
PTSD
Bad day broke frame off (Oldest childs) door, "slept" for 4 hours to avoid
everyone. Felt out of control, could not get "centered" emotionally.
No desire to eat, was physically hungry but didn't have any desire to
eat, if I wasn't flipping out due to rage, I was absolutely listless.

Things different: drank alcohol the night before -nothing else I can
think of.

--------------June 2----------------

Talked to Dr. Spock. Reduce Litium by 1 per day. Ordered new labs for
Lith levels and Iron levels. Told him about issue of RAGE. Told me his
concerns about my "boss's" empathy (or lack there of) toward my situation. Told him the only emotions I have is Anger and Rage. I get sad though when I think about how I am treated and looked at by my peers and those who's respect I used to have. Funny how I can narrate, and I wonder how long after the Army Ball they will wait to transfer me somewhere else on the installation. I think (boss) is in cohoots with everyone else, like they all know what my fate is, and are relishing in that fact.

1200: hopeless, weight of the world, desire to understand...

1600: after spending all day hating myself and all of the people I
have to deal with here at work, I wonder how I am going to be able to
shift my current mind set when I get home. I dont want to feel like
this there.

--------------June 3----------------

0940: Is this depression? Do I actually feel angry with those around
me or am I angry with myself for not feeling the way I should. I am
jealous of the people I see that feel and act normal. WHAT IS WRONG
WITH ME?

1310: I feel like I am actually going out of my head. As the day goes
on it is harder and harder to concentrate on anything. I don't want to
be here. I feel like I am losing the ability to function normally. I
can't think straight for more than a few minutes at a time, even now I
want to stop mid sentence because it is almost painful to continue.

1530: Blllllllaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh......

1730: Home life better until I allow myself to detach from my wife and
kids, then it's like I have time for my mind to race and think about
all the things that upset me. Then I find myself mad and pissed off
all over again. The worst part is that all it takes for me to detach
is to just stop talking, then once I stop all the whining comes and I
get more and more pissed off. Why does it feel like this is getting
worse and worse

Notes taken on my phone on the days listed.

Is this ever going to end?

I had to go see Dr. Spock yesterday. I had been feeling VERY similar to how I felt a few weeks ago. No desire, yada, yada, yada. I had 2 "symptoms" that I did not have before though, I had/have been REALLY aggresive, and I have really wierd muscle twitches. I'm not looking for diagnosis, I am just trying to get some shit off my chest. When I talk to people, I can somehow control my reactions, but that seems to drain me and I have to go off on my own and allow all these thoughts to run through my head until I get so pissed off that I just want to break something.

I am so fucking tired of this. It has even affected my performance at work. Dr. Spock even talked to my "boss" about some if the inexplicable shit that I have been doing lately. My moodiness has become a personal issue in the classroom. I am losing my platoon after this class graduates on Friday. I can't express how much this all weighs on me. I feel like I should have a sign hanging around my neck that says "shitbag".

Time lapse about 7 hours later....

Hot and cold
Content and pissed
as Kaytabug would say " Jekyll and Hyde"

I hate this more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more... (now you have a small taste of what it feels like in my head!)

Geek meter statement: posted from my iPhone

Now Where did I put that EKG

Several days and many moods later...

I am now on nothing but Lithium. 900 mg 2 times a day. seems to be better, I am not as confused and foggy as I have been for the past week or so. I hope that this lasts, see I had to go see Dr. Spock earlier this week because of what drug "X" was doing to me. I had the shortest fuse that I have had in a long time. And there were several other undesirable effects.

So here I sit in my classroom avoiding my peers so I won't have to force myself to act a certain way so they don't see what is really going on in my head. I hate the fact that I do this, but I don't know that I would be successful in this profession if I was entirely honest about it. I am supposed to be at a luncheon today, but I have no desire to go, but at the same time I do have a desire not to go. So guess it is all about how you look at it. But then again if that was the solution to everything, why don't we all walk around with a mirror?

They say that the grass is always greener on the other side. Wouldn't it be ironic if I became this unstable bumbling fool because of my actions while I was growing up. Remember in high school, how it was "cool" to be different, and to see things from another perspective, especially if that perspective wasn't always reality based? My guidance counselor thought I might be schizophrenic, yes I know, that is why she worked at a high school!!!! but I think that her saying that may have resulted in a manifestation of psychological symptoms of what I thought schizophrenia would be, and over the years, my brain became used to the ideas and processes that I had.

I guess there is a reason that I turned out to be this way, and maybe that's why I feel such a desire to get better for my family's sake.

And I still haven't posted about my iPhone. WTF?!
"Welcome to Wal*Mart, get yer shit and get out!!!"

BTDTGTS (Click here, It will make more sense)

Today I went to the hospital for a few tests. I should have known it was going to be a bad day...

This trip required me to do something that I had all but forgotten about since my days in New York...Ride in an elevator. I had forgotten all the little things that go into riding an elevator, like who pushes the button first, that you should ask "what floor" if you are the closest to the button, and even the gradual shifting of bodies in the elevator as it slowly ascends or descends to the desired destination. How passengers poise themselves in preparation for the rest of the journey to their, no-doubt, important final destination.

I realized that I was out of touch with this when I got into the elevator and felt guilty about using it to go up 1 floor, so I road on it to the 3rd floor just so I wouldn't make the guy that was in the elevator wait for any longer than was necessary to get to where he was going. So I disembarked on the 3rd floor, same as the other guy, and realized that the only doors there lead to the Operating Room, Clue #1. Obviously I was not about to go in there, so instead I turned around, hit the down button and waited for the vertical chariot to come back so that I might actually push the right fucking button this time and get these tests over with.

So I got on and pushed the right button this time. and I went to the lab, they took blood, and that was that. Now for the fun part...

*****************Front Desk******************************
Retro: "Uh, hi, could you tell me where I need to go for an EKG?

Receptionist type person: "EKG...isn't that Neurology?" Clue #2

Retro: Muffled under breath (Read my blog and look at the 4th thing down on the left side, print it, cut it out and staple it to your fucking forehead!!)

Retro: "No I think it is Cardio, you know Electrocardiogram"

Receptionist type person: "R U sure?" (typed like that because at this point I really think that is how she would spell it.)

Retro: "Where is there a map so I can look at what departments are where?"

Receptionist type person: "idk (Chat lingo for like "I don't know"(twirl your hair to get the full effect.) I think there is one on the 3rd floor."

Retro: "Where are the stairs?"

Receptionist type person: :idk...But the elevator is right there!"

Retro: (again under his breath) I hope I am not expected to give her a treat for a correct answer or something... "THANK YOU" sarcasmsarcasmsarcasmsarcasmsarcasm

3rd Floor, Nice brick walls, nice Operating Room doors, no map.

LOST: 1 Soldier, last seen elevator from HELL!!!

Tune in next time for:
"now where the hell did I put that EGK?"
OR
"FYI, the FAQ desk HTH, TWIMC, DIY, NRN"

I hate the energizer bunny!!!

Look at this pink little shit!!  Mocking me behind those big ass Roy Orbison looking sunglasses.  BANG BANG BANG on the drum, relentless, unyielding.  I know why every eats those PEEP marshmallow treats for Easter.  You can actually bite the head off of one of those damn pink bunnies and chew on it.  One moment of bliss, and as a bonus, they taste pretty good too!!!  Then out of nowhere, "Why is my foot tapping?"  "Why do I suddenly want to get up and jump around?"  DAMN SUGAR RUSH.  I blame you Mr. Energizity hippity hoppity fucking bunny!!!!

 

There, now I feel better.  Another sleepless night, and after re-reading that first paragraph, I think it might be starting to show...

 

Tomorrow morning, or actually later this morning we pick up another class.  Looking forward to having an actual job again!  DAMN, my alarm is going to wake me up in an hour to get ready for work.  I can't wait to drink a beer or 9 Saturday, that should help me get to sleep.  I hope anyway.

 

Oh, I don't know why I keep forgetting to mention it, seeing as how I check the tracking service almost hourly, But I finally talked Kaytabug into letting me get an iPhone.  By the last report, it was in Alaska, and I should have it in my non pink, fluffy hands Monday!  I CAN'T WAIT.  Already looking online for all types of themes and cracks and hacks.  I am so excited.  You can expect a full blog post advertisement for it in a week or so!!!  If you want a reason to hate the iphone, check Kaytabug's blog at about the same time.  She will probably be posting about how much time I spend with it, and how little I spend with her.  

That's alright, I think she should be expecting it to some degree,  You know, boys and their toys.  Anyway, time to do some more research on Dysthymia, and Insomnia!!  "Snoochie Bootchies!!!"

The Day After...

Last night Kaytabug again called Dr. Spock at my wishes. I was sitting at the table with her, she had made spaghetti for dinner, and all of our kids were playing outside with the neighbors. I didn't feel like eating but saw her go sit down, so I get up off my ass and go get a bowl of spaghetti and sit down to eat with her. It was an honest gesture, but I froze. I got caught in a moment of not wanting to move. Kaytabug said it was 5 minutes, and truthfully that is the only estimate I have, because I have no idea how long it was. Spock was grateful for the call and agreed to continue with the plan that we talked about earlier yesterday. Again I hate feeling like I am not in control.

So fast forward to this morning. Of course I did the same thing when my phone alarms went off. I finally get to work about 0900, and talk to my peers and my supervisor and tell them to come down to my classroom for a chat. So there I am sitting in my classroom with the 4 guys that I work closest with, and I wrote the term Dysthymia on the white board and listed the symptoms under it.

I spent the next 45 minutes discussing with these 4 guys the thing that has been making me act so strange. I flat out admitted my "weakness". I knew that it was something that I had to do in order to move on and in order to not add guilt to the issues that I am having.

It went well, and I think that it did help, they all seemed relatively open to it. It still felt weird to tell them about all of that. We talked about how I have recently been acting as compared to how I used to act and how my demeanor has changed. I think it was important for me to tell them all of this before the inevitable rumors began.

I picked up the new drug today and take the first dose tonight. Keep your fingers crossed.

Again, thanks for reading...

All I can say is that the drugs don't work...

I am about to share something, but knowing that the only one to read this will likely be Kaytabug, I am OK with that, because this is something that I haven't been able to describe to her.

Today: 0415hrs.
My alarm goes off, and I grab my phone which doubles and triples as my alarm clocks, and I think to myself, "Why." "Is PT really that important?"
Now I have been in the military for almost 13 years, and PT has always been that important. It has been part of my morning ritual for what seems like forever. And it has never been a choice that I had, I just got up and did it. No second thoughts, etc...

So anyway, "big deal" I am sure has crossed your mind by now, but for me the "Professional Soldier" it is a big deal. It is no small slip or minor breach for me. It was pure apathy, I was actually indifferent about it. Couldn't have cared less. Now let me take you back a bit to show this in progression....

Friday 4 April 2008: 0530hrs.
I took a PT test, now this is doing as many push-ups as you can in 2 minutes, then doing the same for sit-ups, then running two miles as fast as you can. This probably seems like a lot if you don't do it often, which I have.

Well did the push-ups and sit-ups fine. Then it took me 17 min 30 sec to run 2 miles. That is 30 seconds longer than I have allotted, so I failed! 13 years in, never ever failed that thing once, and now I do it here?! WTF? Now if you have ever run for more than a mile, you know that heart and desire and inner drive is what gets you to the finish line. Well for the first time in 13 years I had none of that. No desire to succeed, no desire for anything, not even to get there so I could just stop running. NOTHING. APATHY.

About a year and a half ago
i filled out my Post-Deployment Health Assessment and for the first time I decide to be honest about how I was and had been feeling. I was reffered to a Social Specialist who further reffered me to my current Psychiatrist. (Spock shall be his name) Anyway Dr. Spock ( You KNOW that was damn FUNNY!!!) put me on a drug and says that I have:

Dysthymia:
A chronic mood disorder manifested as depression for most of the day, more days than not, accompanied by some of the following symptoms: poor appetite or overeating, insomnia or hypersomnia, low energy or fatigue, low self-esteem, poor concentration, difficulty making decisions, and feelings of hopelessness. See: mood disorders, under disorder, endogenous depression, exogenous depression

I know big words, but as I read this I actually felt better because all the things that I felt or haven't felt in the past 2 months or so are all still listed right there!!! No New Issue!

Anyway I digress, All went well for a solid 6-8 months, then it was like my body said: "no that one just isn't doing it for me anymore." So Spock puts me on like 3 other drugs, and it goes terribly wrong one day. I don't remember much but Kaytabug does not like it when I mow the lawn anymore, and I spent that night on post in the psyche ward. No kidding. So duh, Spock changes it up and we try 5 more drugs over the next 8 weeks or so, then he mentions Lithium. I go all in, Lithium and Prozac, for a while that had tamed the beast, and recently over the past few weeks my body decided to say "fuck you" again.

It is strange to do things that you don't necessarily want to do, but really can't control your own actions. It is disturbing to act in a way that you don't like to act, but at the same time have no way to change it.

I guess my hope for this is that it will in someway make me feel a bit more in control and hopefully this vent will allow me to move on and get my new drug tomorrow with a clean slate so to speak.

Thanks for reading, and I hope that this may help one of you as well.