The Day After...

Last night Kaytabug again called Dr. Spock at my wishes. I was sitting at the table with her, she had made spaghetti for dinner, and all of our kids were playing outside with the neighbors. I didn't feel like eating but saw her go sit down, so I get up off my ass and go get a bowl of spaghetti and sit down to eat with her. It was an honest gesture, but I froze. I got caught in a moment of not wanting to move. Kaytabug said it was 5 minutes, and truthfully that is the only estimate I have, because I have no idea how long it was. Spock was grateful for the call and agreed to continue with the plan that we talked about earlier yesterday. Again I hate feeling like I am not in control.

So fast forward to this morning. Of course I did the same thing when my phone alarms went off. I finally get to work about 0900, and talk to my peers and my supervisor and tell them to come down to my classroom for a chat. So there I am sitting in my classroom with the 4 guys that I work closest with, and I wrote the term Dysthymia on the white board and listed the symptoms under it.

I spent the next 45 minutes discussing with these 4 guys the thing that has been making me act so strange. I flat out admitted my "weakness". I knew that it was something that I had to do in order to move on and in order to not add guilt to the issues that I am having.

It went well, and I think that it did help, they all seemed relatively open to it. It still felt weird to tell them about all of that. We talked about how I have recently been acting as compared to how I used to act and how my demeanor has changed. I think it was important for me to tell them all of this before the inevitable rumors began.

I picked up the new drug today and take the first dose tonight. Keep your fingers crossed.

Again, thanks for reading...

All I can say is that the drugs don't work...

I am about to share something, but knowing that the only one to read this will likely be Kaytabug, I am OK with that, because this is something that I haven't been able to describe to her.

Today: 0415hrs.
My alarm goes off, and I grab my phone which doubles and triples as my alarm clocks, and I think to myself, "Why." "Is PT really that important?"
Now I have been in the military for almost 13 years, and PT has always been that important. It has been part of my morning ritual for what seems like forever. And it has never been a choice that I had, I just got up and did it. No second thoughts, etc...

So anyway, "big deal" I am sure has crossed your mind by now, but for me the "Professional Soldier" it is a big deal. It is no small slip or minor breach for me. It was pure apathy, I was actually indifferent about it. Couldn't have cared less. Now let me take you back a bit to show this in progression....

Friday 4 April 2008: 0530hrs.
I took a PT test, now this is doing as many push-ups as you can in 2 minutes, then doing the same for sit-ups, then running two miles as fast as you can. This probably seems like a lot if you don't do it often, which I have.

Well did the push-ups and sit-ups fine. Then it took me 17 min 30 sec to run 2 miles. That is 30 seconds longer than I have allotted, so I failed! 13 years in, never ever failed that thing once, and now I do it here?! WTF? Now if you have ever run for more than a mile, you know that heart and desire and inner drive is what gets you to the finish line. Well for the first time in 13 years I had none of that. No desire to succeed, no desire for anything, not even to get there so I could just stop running. NOTHING. APATHY.

About a year and a half ago
i filled out my Post-Deployment Health Assessment and for the first time I decide to be honest about how I was and had been feeling. I was reffered to a Social Specialist who further reffered me to my current Psychiatrist. (Spock shall be his name) Anyway Dr. Spock ( You KNOW that was damn FUNNY!!!) put me on a drug and says that I have:

Dysthymia:
A chronic mood disorder manifested as depression for most of the day, more days than not, accompanied by some of the following symptoms: poor appetite or overeating, insomnia or hypersomnia, low energy or fatigue, low self-esteem, poor concentration, difficulty making decisions, and feelings of hopelessness. See: mood disorders, under disorder, endogenous depression, exogenous depression

I know big words, but as I read this I actually felt better because all the things that I felt or haven't felt in the past 2 months or so are all still listed right there!!! No New Issue!

Anyway I digress, All went well for a solid 6-8 months, then it was like my body said: "no that one just isn't doing it for me anymore." So Spock puts me on like 3 other drugs, and it goes terribly wrong one day. I don't remember much but Kaytabug does not like it when I mow the lawn anymore, and I spent that night on post in the psyche ward. No kidding. So duh, Spock changes it up and we try 5 more drugs over the next 8 weeks or so, then he mentions Lithium. I go all in, Lithium and Prozac, for a while that had tamed the beast, and recently over the past few weeks my body decided to say "fuck you" again.

It is strange to do things that you don't necessarily want to do, but really can't control your own actions. It is disturbing to act in a way that you don't like to act, but at the same time have no way to change it.

I guess my hope for this is that it will in someway make me feel a bit more in control and hopefully this vent will allow me to move on and get my new drug tomorrow with a clean slate so to speak.

Thanks for reading, and I hope that this may help one of you as well.

What is up with this place?

Last weekend it was in the 70's. This weekend, in typical Misery (pronounced Missouri in this instance) fashion, it is in the 30's and has snowed briefly two times! The reason for the title of this post is not really weather related though.

Due to the crappy weather, our 3 lil ones begged and pleaded all morning to play the Xbox 360, you remember, the one I got totally free right before the holidays? Anyway, I decide to let them play it after picking up their rooms etc. Well they wanted to play Halo. The entire time that they are playing they are at each others throats, screaming and yelling and of course crying. It seems that they don't start getting along while playing for the first hour, and by then I am already about 30 minutes past my limit. Is this normal for siblings? I just don't get it.

Well, like i said before, thanks for listening, I mean reading.

The first official post from my phone

This is a test, there will finally be more to follow.

"You dirty english, K-Nigit"

IT GUY Had this challenge for us this week: "I need YOU (yes, the wonderful YOU!) to pick 5 memorable lines from 5 different movies (if you could tell us which character said it and to whom, would be a bonus)...and tell us to WHOM (who in the people in your life) you could have said those lines."

With some help from the wife, I have put together the following list of memorable movie quotes. (OK, I admit some of them are probably only memorable to me)

"Luke, I am your father..."
I say this all the time to our puppy Luke... If you don't know what that is from, I am selling a bridge in San Francisco, call 867-5309 if interested...

"I may not be a smart man, but I know what love is..."
I say this to my wife on a relatively regular basis.

"Ding, ding, ding, Gutter tell him what he's won"
From PCU "Draws" to "Gutter" I say this when someone guesses correctly, very handy in the classroom.

"Don't tell me my business devil woman."
You all know that you say this under your breath to your wife, I say this out loud to her when she really gets to me.

"I'm not even supposed to be here today." From the movie "Clerks"
I say this whenever things are not going right.

Well, that's it for my quotables now go check out everyone else's! Thanks for reading and visiting again!!!

FUN MONDAY: The Best Song EVER!!!!!!!!

This week, The Crown Princess wanted to hear the ONE song that is you. The song that whenever it is heard, you smile.

That being said, I had to resort back to a soundtrack that my Platoon made in Afghanistan. My roomate and I decided to make a songlist involving everyone in the Platoon. It turned into a great ordeal, and we came up with all these outlandish rules about how we could veto a choice and how we both had to agree on the nominated songs! We made a rule that no one could pick their own song, which supposedly meant that which ever song we got tagged with is what everyone thought of us!!! Needless to say a few feelings were hurt, especially when you give a guy a song titled "Shitman"!!! Anyway, loads of funny songs and 1 that was deemed as mine...

Asshole by Dennis Leary

I hope that you don't think that I do do (I just said do do American Idol) all the things that he talks about. But damn do I wish I did sometimes!!!

Thanks for reading now go get your chuckles elsewhere....TRY HERE!!!!

FUN MONDAY: The Bucket List...

This week Tiggerlane assigned us this task...

Have you heard of The Bucket List? Well, that's what I want from you! Make a list of things you want to do before you die. It must be at least five items - and you can make it as long as you desire. Photos are optional. And let's hear about some of the wackiest, most bizarre to-do's on your Bucket List!

So here is Retro's bucket list...

-------late addition to top of list-----
GO TO A STAR WARS CONVENTION

- Become a Grandpa.
- Invent something absolutely useless to everyone but me.
- Beat Kaytabug @ Sing Star for the PS2!!!!
(Although that will never happen, because apparently unbeknown to me, I am tone-deaf!!! Love you too HONEY!!!! Or should I call you Simon!!!! lol....
- Build my own website
- Earn a degree in psychology, and use it
- See a Kansas State Football game in person
- Build the house of our dreams with my own hands, and it still stands...
- Make friends, not acquaintances
- Eat a 2lb steak at a 5 star restaurant
- Relive the movie National Treasure
- SEE TOP OF LIST....
- Grow a mullet!!! (yes, I am serious, just ask Kaytabug)
- Own a Harley!!! (a real one)
- Go back to Great America with my oldest!!! 10 Roller coasters in 70 min!!!! (lines were all gone)
- Get a tattoo the "old way"
- Unplug from the MATRIX

Well, that is about al I can come up with tonight. I hope you enjoyed them, and remember the MULLET will make it's comeback!!!!!!

Now get out there and check out everyone else's entries!!!!!!

A tattoo for my pal...

I know that it has been a while and I know what is on your mind, "What does the tattoo look like?" Well, as Kaytabug has told me, I think I may have misled some of you, I got a tattoo, but it was not of my puppy, It was something that I had in my sketch book.

This was a picture I drew in 1997 after seeing something similar in a tattoo magazine. It represents all the different people that have touched me throughout my life.

This is what the final product looks like, bear in mind that it is now 10 years old so it ha faded some. Anyone out there skilled with a gun enough to touch it up?!!!

So anyway, as I was trying to say, the reason I got this tattoo was to deal with the emotional pain of losing my puppy. Most guys out there, especially strange ones like myself, know that when you are overwhelmed with emotional pain, the only thing that makes sense is to go through some physical pain. Strange how men use this to their advantage when dealing with women in order to play the "poor me" card.

I hope i just didn't break a man law by disclosing that information.

I hope this helps clarify matters. thanks for stopping by!

-Retro

Fun Monday: Welcome to the ZOO!!!

This weeks Fun Monday was hosted by Lisa she wanted us to show off our pet(s). Well, Kaytabug and I have a few, but I assure you, NO REPEAT PHOTOS. We worked together on this...

This is Neko, I have no idea how old he was here but I would say about 2 or 3 months. What a cutie huh??!!!

Interesting side note, Kaytabug will be the first to tell you how much I love our pets. One morning almost 10 years ago I came home from work, and Neko was gone. Some ass munch decided that walking around our fenced in back yard was too much work, so they opened the gate, let the little puppy out into the world and cut through our yard. Trust me, I followed the boot prints. There was snow on the ground. Kaytabug was out of town with our oldest and I was a mess. I made phone calls, drove around town for about 4 hours, then I saw a tattoo shop. I pulled something out of my sketch book, went inside, came out 3 hours and $200 later with a sore shoulder and an aching heart. I got back to the house and there was a message from the local vet. Someone had found our puppy and took him to the vet. I picked him up and have put locks on our fences since.

I love my doggies!!!


This is our oldest with both of our cats. I would venture to say that they wasted a lot of time staring out this window. Celeste is on the left, her brother Yoda on the right.

If you look closely, you can see the squirrel saying "PUSSY"

88% Geek and Damn Proud!!!

Kaytabug was giving me a hard time yesterday because I was taking online quizzes, (the results of which can be found to the right). She thought I was being stupid, especially about the Geek one!! I was actually pretty proud of that.

Last night we went to a friends house, she had to tell them about my 88% geek rating and of course in my drunken stupor say oh yeah I could fix your computer for you. Without any hesitation we find ourselves invited over this afternoon for a BBQ and beer (yayy) and computer fixing!!! So yes 88% geek and proud!!!