Excess Personnel?

ex·cess n. ɪkˈsɛs, ˈɛksɛs; adj., v. ˈɛksɛs, ɪkˈsɛs/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[n. ik-ses, ek-ses; adj., v. ek-ses, ik-ses]

to dismiss, demote, transfer, or furlough (an employee), esp. as part of a mass layoff.

So this morning I get to my desk and there is a new "phone roster" sitting on it. It affectionately has me listed as "EXCESS PERSONNEL". Now I know that this should be trivial, but come on! If I am excess, does that mean that I am no longer needed? Can I just stay home and not come in at all? It sounds like I am just sitting around wasting space on the roster when it is labeled like that.

This morning Rusty Nail also told me that the job that I was supposed to move into has changed, I am now going into the same job that everyone gets when no one wants to deal with them anymore, a place surrounded by civilians, so no military members have to deal with the headache anymore. Listening to him try to put the positive spin on it was ridiculous. I thought last weeks "ah and um" outbreak was bad, this was infinitely worse! It is hard to look at the positive side of this when the negative side keeps kicking you in the face.

This is a prime example of how life will not stop and wait for you to get better, or even sort out your emotions and make you peace with it. It just keeps throwing you curveballs and forces you to shit or get off the pot. the hard part is to revamp your thought process and stick to your decision to shit down it's fucking neck. In the loving words of our oldest: "MOM, I need more wipes!"

"Back in the saddle again"

Well, as of July 31, I am back in the classroom for my final HOORAH! So much has happened in the past month (or more) since my last post. I found out that one of my former subordinates is the reason that I lost my position as Senior, I also found out that I will be moved after this cycle due to "my inability" to work with anyone up there. That was a fun conversation to have with "Rusty Nail" (my boss).



"Ah, well, um, I think that it will be good, so that you can take care of, well, you know, so that you can get better, and that you can get ready to get back in the fight. I mean it should, ahhh, be a good move." And so on and so on.


Sometimes people and their mannerisms amaze me. the sincerity of what he was trying to say to me was lost somewhere between "Ah" and "um". And to think that I was starting to force myself to like and get along with this chode!!



Well, enough of that shit. Dr. Zhivago has successfully opened me up in counseling. I came home last week entirely rejuvenated. I felt like the whole world was new to me, that I was seeing it the first time through my own eyes. I have come to think that this whole depression was manifested by some corner of my brain to shield myself from something, and to make an excuse for the things that I would fail or do poorly at. Like I was giving myself a reason for being a piece of shit.


I don't know if I ever blogged about it, but there was a time about a year ago that I was wondering about that very thing. That was when the drugs seemed to quit working. It has really been over a year since I was on drugs that really seemed to work well, and on a regular basis. I wondered a long time ago if that was my body saying that there was no physiological reason for my moods and depression. the more I talk to Zhivago, the more I think that is correct. The only question that remains is WHY! Why would I put myself through this, what would cause me to want to shut down? Why do I feel like it is necessary to get absolutely pissed off at some point every day?!



I don't know haw far along I am in the counseling process, or how much longer it will be until I am actually comfortable with my emotions and my state of being in this world, but I do know that it does really bother me to realize that I am not in control of my brain, and that it has absolute control of me. This may take some getting used to.

One of the most spot on reads I have found about Depression!!

If you click on the title you will finally be whisked away into a good and thought provoking read, I am actually going to print it out and give it to my coworkers, just to hopefully make them feel like shit!  No, I don't hold a grudge, read the article, you will understand.  I LOVE YOU Kaytabug!!!

I must warn you that it is a bit long, so the part that I am referring to is the first portion.  A good and informative read all the way through though.  Hope you enjoy it.

I thought you could use a laugh.

200 Days and counting...

This week I hit the 200 day mark since my last cigarette.  Finally.  Kaytabug won't let me get anything because apparently I have gone like 6 months without one, but never made it a full year, so when I hit a year she said I could get something.  I think that I am going to ask for a carton of Marlboro Mild 72's.  They are my former brand.  I am just kidding, I just wanted her to read this and flip her lid for a bit.  

I can't lie, I had 2 smokes during this 200 days, but we were in the field throwing pyrotechnics and blowing shit up, you have to smoke when you play with that shit, it's just COOL!!!

Well time for a cigarette break!!!  

The official how to cheer up manual

Click the title to be whisked away to land of eternal bliss!!!

I am serious, I would not make this shit up!!!  The gall of some people!!  Makes me think of that one blonde headed perky little rich cheerleader in high school that would laugh at you every time you tried to compliment her on her ability to do the splits while doing a hand stand and ask if she knows that it is also in the Kama Sutra.  I mean; you know what I mean right?  Not that I am holding some crazy thing after like 13 years right, that would be weird right?!  Any way, check it out and then clear your history so you don't ever go back there again!!

Been a long time since I laughed this hard.

You have to watch this!!!! Well i guess you don't have to, but don't be mad at me for missing out on all the fun!!!

// The Mortified Shoebox Show //

Blast from the past

How is it possible to develop friendships without knowing a person, without seeing their facial expressions, or even being able to tell if they are lying. the only thing you know about me is what I type, I can type whatever I want, and you will all assume that it is genuine and true. What is it about blogging that people enjoy so much? Is it the assumed security of anonymity, or the ability to talk (or type) anything you want with no repercussions? Is it the yearning to find a listening ear (even if the ear is technological and transcribes everything into sequences of 1's and 0's)? Maybe it is just the thought of being able to say what you want without the possibility of judgment from the computer. Whatever the reason, many people do it, and are better off. It possibly saves people from feeling lonely in times that they need to feel some sort of kinship and belonging; and for that I think that it may be worth it. 

That was my firs blog post...  anyone else see a connection here?

Please don't be afraid to comment, if anything it gives me a perspective.  I don't know you and I don't have to read the entire thing if I don't like it, I am just tired of feeling alone with Kaytabug in this.

Excrements (the second movement)

After looking at numerous websites, trying to find something new that hasn’t been discussed with Dr. Spock, or the new guy known as Dr. Zhivago (he’s who I see for counseling now) I am still at a loss. I don’t know why I bother looking, I just get more hopeless every time because I realize that I may never know what the fuck is wrong, and if I don’t know what is wrong, then I can’t do anything to fix it. I want to talk to Spock about a brain biopsy. That is about the only physical thing left to do that might help. I asked him yesterday about committing myself to the psyche ward at the hospital on base. I know what that will bring about as far as the job and military go, but at this point I would rather lose that than my family. I just wish that those here that I work with would just take it seriously.

I can’t fully explain how it feels to be AFRAID to go to work. That fear stems from how I know I will feel the entire time that I am there, the fact that I know the life will be sucked out of me while I am there. What are they thinking about? Am I a piece of shit in their mind? Why can’t I control this? What if I lose my temper and let it show? That fear quickly turns to ANGER, ANGER AT MY PEERS AND SUPERVISORS FOR THE SMALL THINGS THAT THEY DO THROUGHOUT THE DAY THAT PUSH ALL OF MY BUTTONS. EVEN THOUGH I KNOW THAT IT IS NOT THEIR INTENT, IT IS JUST HOW I PERCEIVE THEIR ACTIONS AND WORDS. EVEN WHEN I KNOW THIS TO BE TRUE, AND TELL MYSELF THIS, I CANNOT GET OVER IT I DRIVE MYSELF CRAZY RUNNING IT THROUGH MY HEAD OVER AND OVER CREATING A FUCKING WHIRLWIND THAT ELIMINATES EVERYTHING ELSE until I am left with nothing and again I am apathetic, and listless. Emotionally drained and no better off than I was before. Then before long I start thinking about what just happened in my mind, and I for some reason decide to retrace the thoughts and try to figure out what the trigger was, and right about that time is when someone walks past and notices that I has a strange look on my face, and they SLAP ME ON THE KNEE AND TELL ME TO “CHEER UP”. Again it must be fucking nice to live in your lovely little fucking world where everything is perfect and nothing can put a frown on you pretty little fucking face!!! What the fuck is wrong with me, why am I thinking things like this? Is this normal? WTF? WTF? WTF? WTF? Why am I like this? Why can’t I fix this? Why do I let myself get this angry over dumb shit? Dumbshit? That’s what they think I am. I hate you all!!! But really, who cares? Does it matter? Here I am and here I will be until I am gone, (sigh).

Insult to injury: Today is Cheer Up Someone Lonely Day. How fucking ironic, and it starts again!

Excrements From a Hurricane Filled Mind

It must be nice to wake up in the morning with the sun shining bright in your mind. I am not talking about being clear-headed; I am talking about not having a Category 5 hurricane going on in there. No rhyme or reason to the thoughts that come and go, and no emotions but anger, hopelessness and despair. And as the day progresses, it gets worse and worse, and the more you deal with the people that you work with the more hectic and erratic your thoughts get. You spend most of your day trying to control your gestures, and actions and words to avoid being “labeled” as “crazy”, or worse yet a “piece of shit”

I am so tired of being told that I will “get past it” or better yet fucking “out-grow” it. Yesterday I was told to “cheer-up”; is there a manual for that, I mean is it so easy for you to just cheer up that you would think giving a command like that would have the same effect that telling your dog to sit would have, like I could just like that, have your gay, happy, sunny fucking outlook on the pile of shit that is in my fucking head and life?

3 weeks into counseling and about 5 weeks without meds and I feel worse and worse and worse. I couldn’t even enjoy myself when surrounded by TRUE friends during the 4th. I feel like it is only a matter of time before I lose my bearing and do or say something that I will regret. I am afraid of driving Kaytabug away and turning the boys into “mini-me’s” they all deserve better than what I am becoming. No one deserves this. No one deserves me. How is it possible that this would be getting more and more difficult to contain and control. Is this what is supposed to happen with counseling? Do I need to get back to the meds? Do I need to press the test results and commit myself?

Understanding can be a great thing; it is just too bad that no one tried to understand me when I was young. I don’t mean teenager years I mean from birth to now. The people who are supposed to show that undying devotion and commitment and desire to understand would rather I just “shut up”. I think I heard those words more than “I love you” as a child. But isn’t that the way everyone had it? Why is it that I can’t control myself now, and everyone else can? Why do I hate you for trying to understand? Why does it make me so angry when people try to understand? I am tired of being let down, just like my peers did when I shared my ailment with them and they have successfully alienated me at work and I feel like the biggest waste of space in the world, all because I tried to make them understand something they don’t want to acknowledge in their perfect little worlds! I FUCKING LOATHE THEM!

Notes from Retro's phone...

----------------June 1-------------
Emotional disregulation
PTSD
Bad day broke frame off (Oldest childs) door, "slept" for 4 hours to avoid
everyone. Felt out of control, could not get "centered" emotionally.
No desire to eat, was physically hungry but didn't have any desire to
eat, if I wasn't flipping out due to rage, I was absolutely listless.

Things different: drank alcohol the night before -nothing else I can
think of.

--------------June 2----------------

Talked to Dr. Spock. Reduce Litium by 1 per day. Ordered new labs for
Lith levels and Iron levels. Told him about issue of RAGE. Told me his
concerns about my "boss's" empathy (or lack there of) toward my situation. Told him the only emotions I have is Anger and Rage. I get sad though when I think about how I am treated and looked at by my peers and those who's respect I used to have. Funny how I can narrate, and I wonder how long after the Army Ball they will wait to transfer me somewhere else on the installation. I think (boss) is in cohoots with everyone else, like they all know what my fate is, and are relishing in that fact.

1200: hopeless, weight of the world, desire to understand...

1600: after spending all day hating myself and all of the people I
have to deal with here at work, I wonder how I am going to be able to
shift my current mind set when I get home. I dont want to feel like
this there.

--------------June 3----------------

0940: Is this depression? Do I actually feel angry with those around
me or am I angry with myself for not feeling the way I should. I am
jealous of the people I see that feel and act normal. WHAT IS WRONG
WITH ME?

1310: I feel like I am actually going out of my head. As the day goes
on it is harder and harder to concentrate on anything. I don't want to
be here. I feel like I am losing the ability to function normally. I
can't think straight for more than a few minutes at a time, even now I
want to stop mid sentence because it is almost painful to continue.

1530: Blllllllaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh......

1730: Home life better until I allow myself to detach from my wife and
kids, then it's like I have time for my mind to race and think about
all the things that upset me. Then I find myself mad and pissed off
all over again. The worst part is that all it takes for me to detach
is to just stop talking, then once I stop all the whining comes and I
get more and more pissed off. Why does it feel like this is getting
worse and worse

Notes taken on my phone on the days listed.