----------------June 1-------------
Emotional disregulation
PTSD
Bad day broke frame off (Oldest childs) door, "slept" for 4 hours to avoid
everyone. Felt out of control, could not get "centered" emotionally.
No desire to eat, was physically hungry but didn't have any desire to
eat, if I wasn't flipping out due to rage, I was absolutely listless.
Things different: drank alcohol the night before -nothing else I can
think of.
--------------June 2----------------
Talked to Dr. Spock. Reduce Litium by 1 per day. Ordered new labs for
Lith levels and Iron levels. Told him about issue of RAGE. Told me his
concerns about my "boss's" empathy (or lack there of) toward my situation. Told him the only emotions I have is Anger and Rage. I get sad though when I think about how I am treated and looked at by my peers and those who's respect I used to have. Funny how I can narrate, and I wonder how long after the Army Ball they will wait to transfer me somewhere else on the installation. I think (boss) is in cohoots with everyone else, like they all know what my fate is, and are relishing in that fact.
1200: hopeless, weight of the world, desire to understand...
1600: after spending all day hating myself and all of the people I
have to deal with here at work, I wonder how I am going to be able to
shift my current mind set when I get home. I dont want to feel like
this there.
--------------June 3----------------
0940: Is this depression? Do I actually feel angry with those around
me or am I angry with myself for not feeling the way I should. I am
jealous of the people I see that feel and act normal. WHAT IS WRONG
WITH ME?
1310: I feel like I am actually going out of my head. As the day goes
on it is harder and harder to concentrate on anything. I don't want to
be here. I feel like I am losing the ability to function normally. I
can't think straight for more than a few minutes at a time, even now I
want to stop mid sentence because it is almost painful to continue.
1530: Blllllllaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh......
1730: Home life better until I allow myself to detach from my wife and
kids, then it's like I have time for my mind to race and think about
all the things that upset me. Then I find myself mad and pissed off
all over again. The worst part is that all it takes for me to detach
is to just stop talking, then once I stop all the whining comes and I
get more and more pissed off. Why does it feel like this is getting
worse and worse
Notes taken on my phone on the days listed.
