Shhh... Don't Tell!

I am supposed to be at work right now, but I really don't see any point in going back, just to sit there and PRETEND to do work while I surf the net and do everything but work!!!

I think what I hate more than anything is that I actually feel guilty about not going back. Even though I know that no one will call me, and it is not likely that anyone will even notice that I am gone.

Well, here's to "bucking the system"!!!!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYONE!!!!

Posted with LifeCast

Using It At Work While I Am Supposed To Be Doing Other Things.

I like the handiness (if that's even a word) of this app. I can sit at my computer (that won't let me on blogger, due to proxies) and blog from my phone. Although of is obvious that I am not doing what I am supposed to be doing.

This could be very therapudic in the weeks to come.

Posted with LifeCast

Sitting In The Basement

I downloaded a new free app for my iPhone and decided to test it while on "monster watch". I assume it will work?!!!!

Posted with LifeCast

Look at the size of the STINGER!!!!

This ugly, huge fucking thing was found in our porch this evening.  The coin next to the big stingy buzzy thing is a 100 Won piece from South Korea, it is the size of a Quarter.  No, before you ask I don't know who the old guy on the coin is, and I REALLY don't care.  All I know is that if the guy on the coin was alive, he was scared 

shitless to be placed next to that gigantic "stinger"!!!

  Of course it was dead when I found it, otherwise, this post would look more like this...

Click For Sound, 

but beware that it will take you to another site, because I cannot get the fucking thing to embed!!!!!

That's what I get

So today I decided that I would focus on the lessons and avoid going overboard with the teaching stuff. We got done at about 2:45 and I released my students earlier than ever. The other class was already gone, but only by about 5 or 10 minutes. 

So I get home, and at about 3:30 I get a call from one of my students stating that the MP's are coming to the gate to "talk" to him. It seems that he had a disagreement with the gate guard and the MP's had to come. Now bear in mind that 3:30 is the absolute earliest we are ever supposed to release our students. Here it is, 3:30 and this fucking shithead is in civies, at the gate and getting the MP's called on him! WTF is he thinking? Damn moron.

Anyway, nothing came of it, it just illustrates how shit can bite you in the ass. I can safely say that they will not get released before 4:00 again.

The reason that this was such a big deal was that if the issue had been pushed by the MP's I would have been in deep shit for releasing them so early. So I would be reprimanded for releasing them early because one dumbass wanted to be a fucking retard.

Good but not Great

Today in classic RUSTY NAIL fashion, I was again told that I would be going to work for my old boss.  As soon as RUSTY NAIL told me that, I sent an email to the guy and verified it with him.  This time it was actually the truth.  One unexpected thing was that I am supposed to report to this new job immediately after we graduate this class.  By immediately, I mean we graduate at 1100, and right after I shake all their sweaty hands, I go to my new job.  It's like they can't wait to kick me out the door.  If I wasn't teaching I would probably already be there.

After a discussion with Kaytabug, we have decided that my future boss shall be known as:  SERGEANT HARTMAN.

Background on SGT Hartman - The DI from Full Metal Jacket 

Normally when people leave this organization, they get a farewell luncheon and a rather expensive plaque that everyone chips in for to thank them for a good job.  With the accelerated plan that they seem to have in mind for getting rid of me, I doubt that I will receive such a luncheon or farewell.  And how is this not supposed to be depressing?  To know without a shadow of doubt that those you have to call peers DON'T want you around.  Why even show up anymore?!!!  

I am happy about going to work for someone other than RUSTY NAIL, but not at all happy about how it is happening.

What is the point?

Here I am back in the classroom and I suddenly feel out of my element. The other Small Group Leader that I am working with always seems to get done with his lessons sooner than I do. He regularly releases his students at about 1430-1500 (2:30-3 p.m.) everyday, while I keep my class until about 1600-1630 (4-4:30 p.m.) everyday. We teach the same stuff, but I take longer to get through it.

I can't imagine that he is able to cut the prescribed time for the lesson as much as he does. The lessons are timed and we are supposed to stick to that time as best as we can.I cut the classes early already, but only by about 30 minutes or so, he cuts them by and hour or sometimes 2 or even 3 hours. None of his students failed the first test. 4 of my students failed. How can he possibly be doing this? I wonder if he does not teach the test or review it with them before they take it. His students even found answers to questions that aren't even covered by the lesson plan. I want to know how.

When he releases his class a full hour before I am read to release my class, I feel like I am wasting their time. But then again their unit sent them here to learn, not to get off at 3 everyday. My students all claim that they like how I teach compared to the way my partner teaches, since he covered for me last week so I could go on pass.

I know why it takes me so long to teach and I don't think that it is a bad thing. I like to teach them things that are not in the lessons, things like no-nonsense leadership and professional development. I think that it is implied that we teach them these things, and explain it in a way that they all can understand. I am not only concerned with teaching them what is on the test, I want to make them the best leaders that they can be. Is that wrong? And isn't that why we are hand-picked for this position?

All these strong feelings and I am still listed as "Excess Personnel". Yeah what a great feeling to see the uselessness of others in this job, but I am the one getting pushed out. What does that say about the future of this course? No one cares about the greater good anymore, just worried about how early they can get off and the ability to ignore their students and the responsibility to train them.

Good luck explaining the downfall of the course next year "Rusty Nail"!

In closing a quote from Gen (Ret.) Collin Powell's 18 Lessons in Leadership

"Command is lonely."

Harry Truman was right. Whether you're a CEO or the temporary head of a project team, the buck stops here. You can encourage participative management and bottom-up employee involvement but ultimately, the essence of leadership is the willingness to make the tough, unambiguous choices that will have an impact on the fate of the organization. I've seen too many non-leaders flinch from this responsibility. Even as you create an informal, open, collaborative corporate culture, prepare to be lonely.

I WONDER WHY IT IS "RUST" COLORED?!!!! Any guesses?!!!

Post Script: They left at 2:00 on the day I posted this. I wasn't done until 4:00.

Excess Personnel?

ex·cess n. ɪkˈsɛs, ˈɛksɛs; adj., v. ˈɛksɛs, ɪkˈsɛs/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[n. ik-ses, ek-ses; adj., v. ek-ses, ik-ses]

to dismiss, demote, transfer, or furlough (an employee), esp. as part of a mass layoff.

So this morning I get to my desk and there is a new "phone roster" sitting on it. It affectionately has me listed as "EXCESS PERSONNEL". Now I know that this should be trivial, but come on! If I am excess, does that mean that I am no longer needed? Can I just stay home and not come in at all? It sounds like I am just sitting around wasting space on the roster when it is labeled like that.

This morning Rusty Nail also told me that the job that I was supposed to move into has changed, I am now going into the same job that everyone gets when no one wants to deal with them anymore, a place surrounded by civilians, so no military members have to deal with the headache anymore. Listening to him try to put the positive spin on it was ridiculous. I thought last weeks "ah and um" outbreak was bad, this was infinitely worse! It is hard to look at the positive side of this when the negative side keeps kicking you in the face.

This is a prime example of how life will not stop and wait for you to get better, or even sort out your emotions and make you peace with it. It just keeps throwing you curveballs and forces you to shit or get off the pot. the hard part is to revamp your thought process and stick to your decision to shit down it's fucking neck. In the loving words of our oldest: "MOM, I need more wipes!"

"Back in the saddle again"

Well, as of July 31, I am back in the classroom for my final HOORAH! So much has happened in the past month (or more) since my last post. I found out that one of my former subordinates is the reason that I lost my position as Senior, I also found out that I will be moved after this cycle due to "my inability" to work with anyone up there. That was a fun conversation to have with "Rusty Nail" (my boss).



"Ah, well, um, I think that it will be good, so that you can take care of, well, you know, so that you can get better, and that you can get ready to get back in the fight. I mean it should, ahhh, be a good move." And so on and so on.


Sometimes people and their mannerisms amaze me. the sincerity of what he was trying to say to me was lost somewhere between "Ah" and "um". And to think that I was starting to force myself to like and get along with this chode!!



Well, enough of that shit. Dr. Zhivago has successfully opened me up in counseling. I came home last week entirely rejuvenated. I felt like the whole world was new to me, that I was seeing it the first time through my own eyes. I have come to think that this whole depression was manifested by some corner of my brain to shield myself from something, and to make an excuse for the things that I would fail or do poorly at. Like I was giving myself a reason for being a piece of shit.


I don't know if I ever blogged about it, but there was a time about a year ago that I was wondering about that very thing. That was when the drugs seemed to quit working. It has really been over a year since I was on drugs that really seemed to work well, and on a regular basis. I wondered a long time ago if that was my body saying that there was no physiological reason for my moods and depression. the more I talk to Zhivago, the more I think that is correct. The only question that remains is WHY! Why would I put myself through this, what would cause me to want to shut down? Why do I feel like it is necessary to get absolutely pissed off at some point every day?!



I don't know haw far along I am in the counseling process, or how much longer it will be until I am actually comfortable with my emotions and my state of being in this world, but I do know that it does really bother me to realize that I am not in control of my brain, and that it has absolute control of me. This may take some getting used to.

One of the most spot on reads I have found about Depression!!

If you click on the title you will finally be whisked away into a good and thought provoking read, I am actually going to print it out and give it to my coworkers, just to hopefully make them feel like shit!  No, I don't hold a grudge, read the article, you will understand.  I LOVE YOU Kaytabug!!!

I must warn you that it is a bit long, so the part that I am referring to is the first portion.  A good and informative read all the way through though.  Hope you enjoy it.

I thought you could use a laugh.

200 Days and counting...

This week I hit the 200 day mark since my last cigarette.  Finally.  Kaytabug won't let me get anything because apparently I have gone like 6 months without one, but never made it a full year, so when I hit a year she said I could get something.  I think that I am going to ask for a carton of Marlboro Mild 72's.  They are my former brand.  I am just kidding, I just wanted her to read this and flip her lid for a bit.  

I can't lie, I had 2 smokes during this 200 days, but we were in the field throwing pyrotechnics and blowing shit up, you have to smoke when you play with that shit, it's just COOL!!!

Well time for a cigarette break!!!  

The official how to cheer up manual

Click the title to be whisked away to land of eternal bliss!!!

I am serious, I would not make this shit up!!!  The gall of some people!!  Makes me think of that one blonde headed perky little rich cheerleader in high school that would laugh at you every time you tried to compliment her on her ability to do the splits while doing a hand stand and ask if she knows that it is also in the Kama Sutra.  I mean; you know what I mean right?  Not that I am holding some crazy thing after like 13 years right, that would be weird right?!  Any way, check it out and then clear your history so you don't ever go back there again!!

Been a long time since I laughed this hard.

You have to watch this!!!! Well i guess you don't have to, but don't be mad at me for missing out on all the fun!!!

// The Mortified Shoebox Show //

Blast from the past

How is it possible to develop friendships without knowing a person, without seeing their facial expressions, or even being able to tell if they are lying. the only thing you know about me is what I type, I can type whatever I want, and you will all assume that it is genuine and true. What is it about blogging that people enjoy so much? Is it the assumed security of anonymity, or the ability to talk (or type) anything you want with no repercussions? Is it the yearning to find a listening ear (even if the ear is technological and transcribes everything into sequences of 1's and 0's)? Maybe it is just the thought of being able to say what you want without the possibility of judgment from the computer. Whatever the reason, many people do it, and are better off. It possibly saves people from feeling lonely in times that they need to feel some sort of kinship and belonging; and for that I think that it may be worth it. 

That was my firs blog post...  anyone else see a connection here?

Please don't be afraid to comment, if anything it gives me a perspective.  I don't know you and I don't have to read the entire thing if I don't like it, I am just tired of feeling alone with Kaytabug in this.

Excrements (the second movement)

After looking at numerous websites, trying to find something new that hasn’t been discussed with Dr. Spock, or the new guy known as Dr. Zhivago (he’s who I see for counseling now) I am still at a loss. I don’t know why I bother looking, I just get more hopeless every time because I realize that I may never know what the fuck is wrong, and if I don’t know what is wrong, then I can’t do anything to fix it. I want to talk to Spock about a brain biopsy. That is about the only physical thing left to do that might help. I asked him yesterday about committing myself to the psyche ward at the hospital on base. I know what that will bring about as far as the job and military go, but at this point I would rather lose that than my family. I just wish that those here that I work with would just take it seriously.

I can’t fully explain how it feels to be AFRAID to go to work. That fear stems from how I know I will feel the entire time that I am there, the fact that I know the life will be sucked out of me while I am there. What are they thinking about? Am I a piece of shit in their mind? Why can’t I control this? What if I lose my temper and let it show? That fear quickly turns to ANGER, ANGER AT MY PEERS AND SUPERVISORS FOR THE SMALL THINGS THAT THEY DO THROUGHOUT THE DAY THAT PUSH ALL OF MY BUTTONS. EVEN THOUGH I KNOW THAT IT IS NOT THEIR INTENT, IT IS JUST HOW I PERCEIVE THEIR ACTIONS AND WORDS. EVEN WHEN I KNOW THIS TO BE TRUE, AND TELL MYSELF THIS, I CANNOT GET OVER IT I DRIVE MYSELF CRAZY RUNNING IT THROUGH MY HEAD OVER AND OVER CREATING A FUCKING WHIRLWIND THAT ELIMINATES EVERYTHING ELSE until I am left with nothing and again I am apathetic, and listless. Emotionally drained and no better off than I was before. Then before long I start thinking about what just happened in my mind, and I for some reason decide to retrace the thoughts and try to figure out what the trigger was, and right about that time is when someone walks past and notices that I has a strange look on my face, and they SLAP ME ON THE KNEE AND TELL ME TO “CHEER UP”. Again it must be fucking nice to live in your lovely little fucking world where everything is perfect and nothing can put a frown on you pretty little fucking face!!! What the fuck is wrong with me, why am I thinking things like this? Is this normal? WTF? WTF? WTF? WTF? Why am I like this? Why can’t I fix this? Why do I let myself get this angry over dumb shit? Dumbshit? That’s what they think I am. I hate you all!!! But really, who cares? Does it matter? Here I am and here I will be until I am gone, (sigh).

Insult to injury: Today is Cheer Up Someone Lonely Day. How fucking ironic, and it starts again!

Excrements From a Hurricane Filled Mind

It must be nice to wake up in the morning with the sun shining bright in your mind. I am not talking about being clear-headed; I am talking about not having a Category 5 hurricane going on in there. No rhyme or reason to the thoughts that come and go, and no emotions but anger, hopelessness and despair. And as the day progresses, it gets worse and worse, and the more you deal with the people that you work with the more hectic and erratic your thoughts get. You spend most of your day trying to control your gestures, and actions and words to avoid being “labeled” as “crazy”, or worse yet a “piece of shit”

I am so tired of being told that I will “get past it” or better yet fucking “out-grow” it. Yesterday I was told to “cheer-up”; is there a manual for that, I mean is it so easy for you to just cheer up that you would think giving a command like that would have the same effect that telling your dog to sit would have, like I could just like that, have your gay, happy, sunny fucking outlook on the pile of shit that is in my fucking head and life?

3 weeks into counseling and about 5 weeks without meds and I feel worse and worse and worse. I couldn’t even enjoy myself when surrounded by TRUE friends during the 4th. I feel like it is only a matter of time before I lose my bearing and do or say something that I will regret. I am afraid of driving Kaytabug away and turning the boys into “mini-me’s” they all deserve better than what I am becoming. No one deserves this. No one deserves me. How is it possible that this would be getting more and more difficult to contain and control. Is this what is supposed to happen with counseling? Do I need to get back to the meds? Do I need to press the test results and commit myself?

Understanding can be a great thing; it is just too bad that no one tried to understand me when I was young. I don’t mean teenager years I mean from birth to now. The people who are supposed to show that undying devotion and commitment and desire to understand would rather I just “shut up”. I think I heard those words more than “I love you” as a child. But isn’t that the way everyone had it? Why is it that I can’t control myself now, and everyone else can? Why do I hate you for trying to understand? Why does it make me so angry when people try to understand? I am tired of being let down, just like my peers did when I shared my ailment with them and they have successfully alienated me at work and I feel like the biggest waste of space in the world, all because I tried to make them understand something they don’t want to acknowledge in their perfect little worlds! I FUCKING LOATHE THEM!

Notes from Retro's phone...

----------------June 1-------------
Emotional disregulation
PTSD
Bad day broke frame off (Oldest childs) door, "slept" for 4 hours to avoid
everyone. Felt out of control, could not get "centered" emotionally.
No desire to eat, was physically hungry but didn't have any desire to
eat, if I wasn't flipping out due to rage, I was absolutely listless.

Things different: drank alcohol the night before -nothing else I can
think of.

--------------June 2----------------

Talked to Dr. Spock. Reduce Litium by 1 per day. Ordered new labs for
Lith levels and Iron levels. Told him about issue of RAGE. Told me his
concerns about my "boss's" empathy (or lack there of) toward my situation. Told him the only emotions I have is Anger and Rage. I get sad though when I think about how I am treated and looked at by my peers and those who's respect I used to have. Funny how I can narrate, and I wonder how long after the Army Ball they will wait to transfer me somewhere else on the installation. I think (boss) is in cohoots with everyone else, like they all know what my fate is, and are relishing in that fact.

1200: hopeless, weight of the world, desire to understand...

1600: after spending all day hating myself and all of the people I
have to deal with here at work, I wonder how I am going to be able to
shift my current mind set when I get home. I dont want to feel like
this there.

--------------June 3----------------

0940: Is this depression? Do I actually feel angry with those around
me or am I angry with myself for not feeling the way I should. I am
jealous of the people I see that feel and act normal. WHAT IS WRONG
WITH ME?

1310: I feel like I am actually going out of my head. As the day goes
on it is harder and harder to concentrate on anything. I don't want to
be here. I feel like I am losing the ability to function normally. I
can't think straight for more than a few minutes at a time, even now I
want to stop mid sentence because it is almost painful to continue.

1530: Blllllllaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh......

1730: Home life better until I allow myself to detach from my wife and
kids, then it's like I have time for my mind to race and think about
all the things that upset me. Then I find myself mad and pissed off
all over again. The worst part is that all it takes for me to detach
is to just stop talking, then once I stop all the whining comes and I
get more and more pissed off. Why does it feel like this is getting
worse and worse

Notes taken on my phone on the days listed.

Is this ever going to end?

I had to go see Dr. Spock yesterday. I had been feeling VERY similar to how I felt a few weeks ago. No desire, yada, yada, yada. I had 2 "symptoms" that I did not have before though, I had/have been REALLY aggresive, and I have really wierd muscle twitches. I'm not looking for diagnosis, I am just trying to get some shit off my chest. When I talk to people, I can somehow control my reactions, but that seems to drain me and I have to go off on my own and allow all these thoughts to run through my head until I get so pissed off that I just want to break something.

I am so fucking tired of this. It has even affected my performance at work. Dr. Spock even talked to my "boss" about some if the inexplicable shit that I have been doing lately. My moodiness has become a personal issue in the classroom. I am losing my platoon after this class graduates on Friday. I can't express how much this all weighs on me. I feel like I should have a sign hanging around my neck that says "shitbag".

Time lapse about 7 hours later....

Hot and cold
Content and pissed
as Kaytabug would say " Jekyll and Hyde"

I hate this more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more... (now you have a small taste of what it feels like in my head!)

Geek meter statement: posted from my iPhone

I got an iPhone and I fricking LOVE it

Well, it has been about 3 weeks since I got my iPhone and Kaytabug has seen me without it like a handful of times. Now is the perfect example, she is watching "Little People, Big World" and here I am Blogging on my iPhone. I have to admit, the keyboard takes a while to get used to, especially when your thumbs are more like big toes (like mine). But man, the shit that you can do with it is AMAZING! This thing is better than chocolate and sex combined. Well maybe not that great, but for a phone/PDA/iPod, you really can't beat it! Well that's all for this post. If you have an iPhone and need some tips, or you have any questions, leave a comment. I am not a master of it but would love to help you enjoy this toy even more, and in all honesty, you could probably teach me a thing or 2.

Now Where did I put that EKG

Several days and many moods later...

I am now on nothing but Lithium. 900 mg 2 times a day. seems to be better, I am not as confused and foggy as I have been for the past week or so. I hope that this lasts, see I had to go see Dr. Spock earlier this week because of what drug "X" was doing to me. I had the shortest fuse that I have had in a long time. And there were several other undesirable effects.

So here I sit in my classroom avoiding my peers so I won't have to force myself to act a certain way so they don't see what is really going on in my head. I hate the fact that I do this, but I don't know that I would be successful in this profession if I was entirely honest about it. I am supposed to be at a luncheon today, but I have no desire to go, but at the same time I do have a desire not to go. So guess it is all about how you look at it. But then again if that was the solution to everything, why don't we all walk around with a mirror?

They say that the grass is always greener on the other side. Wouldn't it be ironic if I became this unstable bumbling fool because of my actions while I was growing up. Remember in high school, how it was "cool" to be different, and to see things from another perspective, especially if that perspective wasn't always reality based? My guidance counselor thought I might be schizophrenic, yes I know, that is why she worked at a high school!!!! but I think that her saying that may have resulted in a manifestation of psychological symptoms of what I thought schizophrenia would be, and over the years, my brain became used to the ideas and processes that I had.

I guess there is a reason that I turned out to be this way, and maybe that's why I feel such a desire to get better for my family's sake.

And I still haven't posted about my iPhone. WTF?!
"Welcome to Wal*Mart, get yer shit and get out!!!"

BTDTGTS (Click here, It will make more sense)

Today I went to the hospital for a few tests. I should have known it was going to be a bad day...

This trip required me to do something that I had all but forgotten about since my days in New York...Ride in an elevator. I had forgotten all the little things that go into riding an elevator, like who pushes the button first, that you should ask "what floor" if you are the closest to the button, and even the gradual shifting of bodies in the elevator as it slowly ascends or descends to the desired destination. How passengers poise themselves in preparation for the rest of the journey to their, no-doubt, important final destination.

I realized that I was out of touch with this when I got into the elevator and felt guilty about using it to go up 1 floor, so I road on it to the 3rd floor just so I wouldn't make the guy that was in the elevator wait for any longer than was necessary to get to where he was going. So I disembarked on the 3rd floor, same as the other guy, and realized that the only doors there lead to the Operating Room, Clue #1. Obviously I was not about to go in there, so instead I turned around, hit the down button and waited for the vertical chariot to come back so that I might actually push the right fucking button this time and get these tests over with.

So I got on and pushed the right button this time. and I went to the lab, they took blood, and that was that. Now for the fun part...

*****************Front Desk******************************
Retro: "Uh, hi, could you tell me where I need to go for an EKG?

Receptionist type person: "EKG...isn't that Neurology?" Clue #2

Retro: Muffled under breath (Read my blog and look at the 4th thing down on the left side, print it, cut it out and staple it to your fucking forehead!!)

Retro: "No I think it is Cardio, you know Electrocardiogram"

Receptionist type person: "R U sure?" (typed like that because at this point I really think that is how she would spell it.)

Retro: "Where is there a map so I can look at what departments are where?"

Receptionist type person: "idk (Chat lingo for like "I don't know"(twirl your hair to get the full effect.) I think there is one on the 3rd floor."

Retro: "Where are the stairs?"

Receptionist type person: :idk...But the elevator is right there!"

Retro: (again under his breath) I hope I am not expected to give her a treat for a correct answer or something... "THANK YOU" sarcasmsarcasmsarcasmsarcasmsarcasm

3rd Floor, Nice brick walls, nice Operating Room doors, no map.

LOST: 1 Soldier, last seen elevator from HELL!!!

Tune in next time for:
"now where the hell did I put that EGK?"
OR
"FYI, the FAQ desk HTH, TWIMC, DIY, NRN"

I hate the energizer bunny!!!

Look at this pink little shit!!  Mocking me behind those big ass Roy Orbison looking sunglasses.  BANG BANG BANG on the drum, relentless, unyielding.  I know why every eats those PEEP marshmallow treats for Easter.  You can actually bite the head off of one of those damn pink bunnies and chew on it.  One moment of bliss, and as a bonus, they taste pretty good too!!!  Then out of nowhere, "Why is my foot tapping?"  "Why do I suddenly want to get up and jump around?"  DAMN SUGAR RUSH.  I blame you Mr. Energizity hippity hoppity fucking bunny!!!!

 

There, now I feel better.  Another sleepless night, and after re-reading that first paragraph, I think it might be starting to show...

 

Tomorrow morning, or actually later this morning we pick up another class.  Looking forward to having an actual job again!  DAMN, my alarm is going to wake me up in an hour to get ready for work.  I can't wait to drink a beer or 9 Saturday, that should help me get to sleep.  I hope anyway.

 

Oh, I don't know why I keep forgetting to mention it, seeing as how I check the tracking service almost hourly, But I finally talked Kaytabug into letting me get an iPhone.  By the last report, it was in Alaska, and I should have it in my non pink, fluffy hands Monday!  I CAN'T WAIT.  Already looking online for all types of themes and cracks and hacks.  I am so excited.  You can expect a full blog post advertisement for it in a week or so!!!  If you want a reason to hate the iphone, check Kaytabug's blog at about the same time.  She will probably be posting about how much time I spend with it, and how little I spend with her.  

That's alright, I think she should be expecting it to some degree,  You know, boys and their toys.  Anyway, time to do some more research on Dysthymia, and Insomnia!!  "Snoochie Bootchies!!!"

The other end of the spectrum

Well, here it is 1230 in the morning and I am wide awake as ever. Unbelievable! For the past 2 weeks, all I could do was sleep, and tonight, no such luck. I think that I was actually asleep for 30 minutes at one point.

So, after all of that, here I sit my lazy insomniac ass on the couch watching some of the worst shows ever created. And no, for some reason I can't change the fucking channel. It's like you get sucked into the stupidity of the show, and you just can't help but watch. Maybe there are some subliminal messages in this show that are telling me to keep watching. But, then again it could be the fact that there are half naked women showing up throughout this show... No, on second thought, I definately think it's subliminal messages.

I feel better now that that tirade is over. I think I am going to try to get some sleep. Good nite all!!!

The Day After...

Last night Kaytabug again called Dr. Spock at my wishes. I was sitting at the table with her, she had made spaghetti for dinner, and all of our kids were playing outside with the neighbors. I didn't feel like eating but saw her go sit down, so I get up off my ass and go get a bowl of spaghetti and sit down to eat with her. It was an honest gesture, but I froze. I got caught in a moment of not wanting to move. Kaytabug said it was 5 minutes, and truthfully that is the only estimate I have, because I have no idea how long it was. Spock was grateful for the call and agreed to continue with the plan that we talked about earlier yesterday. Again I hate feeling like I am not in control.

So fast forward to this morning. Of course I did the same thing when my phone alarms went off. I finally get to work about 0900, and talk to my peers and my supervisor and tell them to come down to my classroom for a chat. So there I am sitting in my classroom with the 4 guys that I work closest with, and I wrote the term Dysthymia on the white board and listed the symptoms under it.

I spent the next 45 minutes discussing with these 4 guys the thing that has been making me act so strange. I flat out admitted my "weakness". I knew that it was something that I had to do in order to move on and in order to not add guilt to the issues that I am having.

It went well, and I think that it did help, they all seemed relatively open to it. It still felt weird to tell them about all of that. We talked about how I have recently been acting as compared to how I used to act and how my demeanor has changed. I think it was important for me to tell them all of this before the inevitable rumors began.

I picked up the new drug today and take the first dose tonight. Keep your fingers crossed.

Again, thanks for reading...

All I can say is that the drugs don't work...

I am about to share something, but knowing that the only one to read this will likely be Kaytabug, I am OK with that, because this is something that I haven't been able to describe to her.

Today: 0415hrs.
My alarm goes off, and I grab my phone which doubles and triples as my alarm clocks, and I think to myself, "Why." "Is PT really that important?"
Now I have been in the military for almost 13 years, and PT has always been that important. It has been part of my morning ritual for what seems like forever. And it has never been a choice that I had, I just got up and did it. No second thoughts, etc...

So anyway, "big deal" I am sure has crossed your mind by now, but for me the "Professional Soldier" it is a big deal. It is no small slip or minor breach for me. It was pure apathy, I was actually indifferent about it. Couldn't have cared less. Now let me take you back a bit to show this in progression....

Friday 4 April 2008: 0530hrs.
I took a PT test, now this is doing as many push-ups as you can in 2 minutes, then doing the same for sit-ups, then running two miles as fast as you can. This probably seems like a lot if you don't do it often, which I have.

Well did the push-ups and sit-ups fine. Then it took me 17 min 30 sec to run 2 miles. That is 30 seconds longer than I have allotted, so I failed! 13 years in, never ever failed that thing once, and now I do it here?! WTF? Now if you have ever run for more than a mile, you know that heart and desire and inner drive is what gets you to the finish line. Well for the first time in 13 years I had none of that. No desire to succeed, no desire for anything, not even to get there so I could just stop running. NOTHING. APATHY.

About a year and a half ago
i filled out my Post-Deployment Health Assessment and for the first time I decide to be honest about how I was and had been feeling. I was reffered to a Social Specialist who further reffered me to my current Psychiatrist. (Spock shall be his name) Anyway Dr. Spock ( You KNOW that was damn FUNNY!!!) put me on a drug and says that I have:

Dysthymia:
A chronic mood disorder manifested as depression for most of the day, more days than not, accompanied by some of the following symptoms: poor appetite or overeating, insomnia or hypersomnia, low energy or fatigue, low self-esteem, poor concentration, difficulty making decisions, and feelings of hopelessness. See: mood disorders, under disorder, endogenous depression, exogenous depression

I know big words, but as I read this I actually felt better because all the things that I felt or haven't felt in the past 2 months or so are all still listed right there!!! No New Issue!

Anyway I digress, All went well for a solid 6-8 months, then it was like my body said: "no that one just isn't doing it for me anymore." So Spock puts me on like 3 other drugs, and it goes terribly wrong one day. I don't remember much but Kaytabug does not like it when I mow the lawn anymore, and I spent that night on post in the psyche ward. No kidding. So duh, Spock changes it up and we try 5 more drugs over the next 8 weeks or so, then he mentions Lithium. I go all in, Lithium and Prozac, for a while that had tamed the beast, and recently over the past few weeks my body decided to say "fuck you" again.

It is strange to do things that you don't necessarily want to do, but really can't control your own actions. It is disturbing to act in a way that you don't like to act, but at the same time have no way to change it.

I guess my hope for this is that it will in someway make me feel a bit more in control and hopefully this vent will allow me to move on and get my new drug tomorrow with a clean slate so to speak.

Thanks for reading, and I hope that this may help one of you as well.

What is up with this place?

Last weekend it was in the 70's. This weekend, in typical Misery (pronounced Missouri in this instance) fashion, it is in the 30's and has snowed briefly two times! The reason for the title of this post is not really weather related though.

Due to the crappy weather, our 3 lil ones begged and pleaded all morning to play the Xbox 360, you remember, the one I got totally free right before the holidays? Anyway, I decide to let them play it after picking up their rooms etc. Well they wanted to play Halo. The entire time that they are playing they are at each others throats, screaming and yelling and of course crying. It seems that they don't start getting along while playing for the first hour, and by then I am already about 30 minutes past my limit. Is this normal for siblings? I just don't get it.

Well, like i said before, thanks for listening, I mean reading.

The first official post from my phone

This is a test, there will finally be more to follow.

"You dirty english, K-Nigit"

IT GUY Had this challenge for us this week: "I need YOU (yes, the wonderful YOU!) to pick 5 memorable lines from 5 different movies (if you could tell us which character said it and to whom, would be a bonus)...and tell us to WHOM (who in the people in your life) you could have said those lines."

With some help from the wife, I have put together the following list of memorable movie quotes. (OK, I admit some of them are probably only memorable to me)

"Luke, I am your father..."
I say this all the time to our puppy Luke... If you don't know what that is from, I am selling a bridge in San Francisco, call 867-5309 if interested...

"I may not be a smart man, but I know what love is..."
I say this to my wife on a relatively regular basis.

"Ding, ding, ding, Gutter tell him what he's won"
From PCU "Draws" to "Gutter" I say this when someone guesses correctly, very handy in the classroom.

"Don't tell me my business devil woman."
You all know that you say this under your breath to your wife, I say this out loud to her when she really gets to me.

"I'm not even supposed to be here today." From the movie "Clerks"
I say this whenever things are not going right.

Well, that's it for my quotables now go check out everyone else's! Thanks for reading and visiting again!!!

FUN MONDAY: The Best Song EVER!!!!!!!!

This week, The Crown Princess wanted to hear the ONE song that is you. The song that whenever it is heard, you smile.

That being said, I had to resort back to a soundtrack that my Platoon made in Afghanistan. My roomate and I decided to make a songlist involving everyone in the Platoon. It turned into a great ordeal, and we came up with all these outlandish rules about how we could veto a choice and how we both had to agree on the nominated songs! We made a rule that no one could pick their own song, which supposedly meant that which ever song we got tagged with is what everyone thought of us!!! Needless to say a few feelings were hurt, especially when you give a guy a song titled "Shitman"!!! Anyway, loads of funny songs and 1 that was deemed as mine...

Asshole by Dennis Leary

I hope that you don't think that I do do (I just said do do American Idol) all the things that he talks about. But damn do I wish I did sometimes!!!

Thanks for reading now go get your chuckles elsewhere....TRY HERE!!!!

FUN MONDAY: The Bucket List...

This week Tiggerlane assigned us this task...

Have you heard of The Bucket List? Well, that's what I want from you! Make a list of things you want to do before you die. It must be at least five items - and you can make it as long as you desire. Photos are optional. And let's hear about some of the wackiest, most bizarre to-do's on your Bucket List!

So here is Retro's bucket list...

-------late addition to top of list-----
GO TO A STAR WARS CONVENTION

- Become a Grandpa.
- Invent something absolutely useless to everyone but me.
- Beat Kaytabug @ Sing Star for the PS2!!!!
(Although that will never happen, because apparently unbeknown to me, I am tone-deaf!!! Love you too HONEY!!!! Or should I call you Simon!!!! lol....
- Build my own website
- Earn a degree in psychology, and use it
- See a Kansas State Football game in person
- Build the house of our dreams with my own hands, and it still stands...
- Make friends, not acquaintances
- Eat a 2lb steak at a 5 star restaurant
- Relive the movie National Treasure
- SEE TOP OF LIST....
- Grow a mullet!!! (yes, I am serious, just ask Kaytabug)
- Own a Harley!!! (a real one)
- Go back to Great America with my oldest!!! 10 Roller coasters in 70 min!!!! (lines were all gone)
- Get a tattoo the "old way"
- Unplug from the MATRIX

Well, that is about al I can come up with tonight. I hope you enjoyed them, and remember the MULLET will make it's comeback!!!!!!

Now get out there and check out everyone else's entries!!!!!!

A tattoo for my pal...

I know that it has been a while and I know what is on your mind, "What does the tattoo look like?" Well, as Kaytabug has told me, I think I may have misled some of you, I got a tattoo, but it was not of my puppy, It was something that I had in my sketch book.

This was a picture I drew in 1997 after seeing something similar in a tattoo magazine. It represents all the different people that have touched me throughout my life.

This is what the final product looks like, bear in mind that it is now 10 years old so it ha faded some. Anyone out there skilled with a gun enough to touch it up?!!!

So anyway, as I was trying to say, the reason I got this tattoo was to deal with the emotional pain of losing my puppy. Most guys out there, especially strange ones like myself, know that when you are overwhelmed with emotional pain, the only thing that makes sense is to go through some physical pain. Strange how men use this to their advantage when dealing with women in order to play the "poor me" card.

I hope i just didn't break a man law by disclosing that information.

I hope this helps clarify matters. thanks for stopping by!

-Retro

Fun Monday: Welcome to the ZOO!!!

This weeks Fun Monday was hosted by Lisa she wanted us to show off our pet(s). Well, Kaytabug and I have a few, but I assure you, NO REPEAT PHOTOS. We worked together on this...

This is Neko, I have no idea how old he was here but I would say about 2 or 3 months. What a cutie huh??!!!

Interesting side note, Kaytabug will be the first to tell you how much I love our pets. One morning almost 10 years ago I came home from work, and Neko was gone. Some ass munch decided that walking around our fenced in back yard was too much work, so they opened the gate, let the little puppy out into the world and cut through our yard. Trust me, I followed the boot prints. There was snow on the ground. Kaytabug was out of town with our oldest and I was a mess. I made phone calls, drove around town for about 4 hours, then I saw a tattoo shop. I pulled something out of my sketch book, went inside, came out 3 hours and $200 later with a sore shoulder and an aching heart. I got back to the house and there was a message from the local vet. Someone had found our puppy and took him to the vet. I picked him up and have put locks on our fences since.

I love my doggies!!!


This is our oldest with both of our cats. I would venture to say that they wasted a lot of time staring out this window. Celeste is on the left, her brother Yoda on the right.

If you look closely, you can see the squirrel saying "PUSSY"

88% Geek and Damn Proud!!!

Kaytabug was giving me a hard time yesterday because I was taking online quizzes, (the results of which can be found to the right). She thought I was being stupid, especially about the Geek one!! I was actually pretty proud of that.

Last night we went to a friends house, she had to tell them about my 88% geek rating and of course in my drunken stupor say oh yeah I could fix your computer for you. Without any hesitation we find ourselves invited over this afternoon for a BBQ and beer (yayy) and computer fixing!!! So yes 88% geek and proud!!!