Look at the size of the STINGER!!!!

This ugly, huge fucking thing was found in our porch this evening.  The coin next to the big stingy buzzy thing is a 100 Won piece from South Korea, it is the size of a Quarter.  No, before you ask I don't know who the old guy on the coin is, and I REALLY don't care.  All I know is that if the guy on the coin was alive, he was scared 

shitless to be placed next to that gigantic "stinger"!!!

  Of course it was dead when I found it, otherwise, this post would look more like this...

Click For Sound, 

but beware that it will take you to another site, because I cannot get the fucking thing to embed!!!!!

That's what I get

So today I decided that I would focus on the lessons and avoid going overboard with the teaching stuff. We got done at about 2:45 and I released my students earlier than ever. The other class was already gone, but only by about 5 or 10 minutes. 

So I get home, and at about 3:30 I get a call from one of my students stating that the MP's are coming to the gate to "talk" to him. It seems that he had a disagreement with the gate guard and the MP's had to come. Now bear in mind that 3:30 is the absolute earliest we are ever supposed to release our students. Here it is, 3:30 and this fucking shithead is in civies, at the gate and getting the MP's called on him! WTF is he thinking? Damn moron.

Anyway, nothing came of it, it just illustrates how shit can bite you in the ass. I can safely say that they will not get released before 4:00 again.

The reason that this was such a big deal was that if the issue had been pushed by the MP's I would have been in deep shit for releasing them so early. So I would be reprimanded for releasing them early because one dumbass wanted to be a fucking retard.

Good but not Great

Today in classic RUSTY NAIL fashion, I was again told that I would be going to work for my old boss.  As soon as RUSTY NAIL told me that, I sent an email to the guy and verified it with him.  This time it was actually the truth.  One unexpected thing was that I am supposed to report to this new job immediately after we graduate this class.  By immediately, I mean we graduate at 1100, and right after I shake all their sweaty hands, I go to my new job.  It's like they can't wait to kick me out the door.  If I wasn't teaching I would probably already be there.

After a discussion with Kaytabug, we have decided that my future boss shall be known as:  SERGEANT HARTMAN.

Background on SGT Hartman - The DI from Full Metal Jacket 

Normally when people leave this organization, they get a farewell luncheon and a rather expensive plaque that everyone chips in for to thank them for a good job.  With the accelerated plan that they seem to have in mind for getting rid of me, I doubt that I will receive such a luncheon or farewell.  And how is this not supposed to be depressing?  To know without a shadow of doubt that those you have to call peers DON'T want you around.  Why even show up anymore?!!!  

I am happy about going to work for someone other than RUSTY NAIL, but not at all happy about how it is happening.

What is the point?

Here I am back in the classroom and I suddenly feel out of my element. The other Small Group Leader that I am working with always seems to get done with his lessons sooner than I do. He regularly releases his students at about 1430-1500 (2:30-3 p.m.) everyday, while I keep my class until about 1600-1630 (4-4:30 p.m.) everyday. We teach the same stuff, but I take longer to get through it.

I can't imagine that he is able to cut the prescribed time for the lesson as much as he does. The lessons are timed and we are supposed to stick to that time as best as we can.I cut the classes early already, but only by about 30 minutes or so, he cuts them by and hour or sometimes 2 or even 3 hours. None of his students failed the first test. 4 of my students failed. How can he possibly be doing this? I wonder if he does not teach the test or review it with them before they take it. His students even found answers to questions that aren't even covered by the lesson plan. I want to know how.

When he releases his class a full hour before I am read to release my class, I feel like I am wasting their time. But then again their unit sent them here to learn, not to get off at 3 everyday. My students all claim that they like how I teach compared to the way my partner teaches, since he covered for me last week so I could go on pass.

I know why it takes me so long to teach and I don't think that it is a bad thing. I like to teach them things that are not in the lessons, things like no-nonsense leadership and professional development. I think that it is implied that we teach them these things, and explain it in a way that they all can understand. I am not only concerned with teaching them what is on the test, I want to make them the best leaders that they can be. Is that wrong? And isn't that why we are hand-picked for this position?

All these strong feelings and I am still listed as "Excess Personnel". Yeah what a great feeling to see the uselessness of others in this job, but I am the one getting pushed out. What does that say about the future of this course? No one cares about the greater good anymore, just worried about how early they can get off and the ability to ignore their students and the responsibility to train them.

Good luck explaining the downfall of the course next year "Rusty Nail"!

In closing a quote from Gen (Ret.) Collin Powell's 18 Lessons in Leadership

"Command is lonely."

Harry Truman was right. Whether you're a CEO or the temporary head of a project team, the buck stops here. You can encourage participative management and bottom-up employee involvement but ultimately, the essence of leadership is the willingness to make the tough, unambiguous choices that will have an impact on the fate of the organization. I've seen too many non-leaders flinch from this responsibility. Even as you create an informal, open, collaborative corporate culture, prepare to be lonely.

I WONDER WHY IT IS "RUST" COLORED?!!!! Any guesses?!!!

Post Script: They left at 2:00 on the day I posted this. I wasn't done until 4:00.

Excess Personnel?

ex·cess n. ɪkˈsɛs, ˈɛksɛs; adj., v. ˈɛksɛs, ɪkˈsɛs/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[n. ik-ses, ek-ses; adj., v. ek-ses, ik-ses]

to dismiss, demote, transfer, or furlough (an employee), esp. as part of a mass layoff.

So this morning I get to my desk and there is a new "phone roster" sitting on it. It affectionately has me listed as "EXCESS PERSONNEL". Now I know that this should be trivial, but come on! If I am excess, does that mean that I am no longer needed? Can I just stay home and not come in at all? It sounds like I am just sitting around wasting space on the roster when it is labeled like that.

This morning Rusty Nail also told me that the job that I was supposed to move into has changed, I am now going into the same job that everyone gets when no one wants to deal with them anymore, a place surrounded by civilians, so no military members have to deal with the headache anymore. Listening to him try to put the positive spin on it was ridiculous. I thought last weeks "ah and um" outbreak was bad, this was infinitely worse! It is hard to look at the positive side of this when the negative side keeps kicking you in the face.

This is a prime example of how life will not stop and wait for you to get better, or even sort out your emotions and make you peace with it. It just keeps throwing you curveballs and forces you to shit or get off the pot. the hard part is to revamp your thought process and stick to your decision to shit down it's fucking neck. In the loving words of our oldest: "MOM, I need more wipes!"

"Back in the saddle again"

Well, as of July 31, I am back in the classroom for my final HOORAH! So much has happened in the past month (or more) since my last post. I found out that one of my former subordinates is the reason that I lost my position as Senior, I also found out that I will be moved after this cycle due to "my inability" to work with anyone up there. That was a fun conversation to have with "Rusty Nail" (my boss).



"Ah, well, um, I think that it will be good, so that you can take care of, well, you know, so that you can get better, and that you can get ready to get back in the fight. I mean it should, ahhh, be a good move." And so on and so on.


Sometimes people and their mannerisms amaze me. the sincerity of what he was trying to say to me was lost somewhere between "Ah" and "um". And to think that I was starting to force myself to like and get along with this chode!!



Well, enough of that shit. Dr. Zhivago has successfully opened me up in counseling. I came home last week entirely rejuvenated. I felt like the whole world was new to me, that I was seeing it the first time through my own eyes. I have come to think that this whole depression was manifested by some corner of my brain to shield myself from something, and to make an excuse for the things that I would fail or do poorly at. Like I was giving myself a reason for being a piece of shit.


I don't know if I ever blogged about it, but there was a time about a year ago that I was wondering about that very thing. That was when the drugs seemed to quit working. It has really been over a year since I was on drugs that really seemed to work well, and on a regular basis. I wondered a long time ago if that was my body saying that there was no physiological reason for my moods and depression. the more I talk to Zhivago, the more I think that is correct. The only question that remains is WHY! Why would I put myself through this, what would cause me to want to shut down? Why do I feel like it is necessary to get absolutely pissed off at some point every day?!



I don't know haw far along I am in the counseling process, or how much longer it will be until I am actually comfortable with my emotions and my state of being in this world, but I do know that it does really bother me to realize that I am not in control of my brain, and that it has absolute control of me. This may take some getting used to.