"Ah, well, um, I think that it will be good, so that you can take care of, well, you know, so that you can get better, and that you can get ready to get back in the fight. I mean it should, ahhh, be a good move." And so on and so on. Sometimes people and their mannerisms amaze me. the sincerity of what he was trying to say to me was lost somewhere between "Ah" and "um". And to think that I was starting to force myself to like and get along with this chode!!
Well, enough of that shit. Dr. Zhivago has successfully opened me up in counseling. I came home last week entirely rejuvenated. I felt like the whole world was new to me, that I was seeing it the first time through my own eyes. I have come to think that this whole depression was manifested by some corner of my brain to shield myself from something, and to make an excuse for the things that I would fail or do poorly at. Like I was giving myself a reason for being a piece of shit.
I don't know if I ever blogged about it, but there was a time about a year ago that I was wondering about that very thing. That was when the drugs seemed to quit working. It has really been over a year since I was on drugs that really seemed to work well, and on a regular basis. I wondered a long time ago if that was my body saying that there was no physiological reason for my moods and depression. the more I talk to Zhivago, the more I think that is correct. The only question that remains is WHY! Why would I put myself through this, what would cause me to want to shut down? Why do I feel like it is necessary to get absolutely pissed off at some point every day?!
I don't know haw far along I am in the counseling process, or how much longer it will be until I am actually comfortable with my emotions and my state of being in this world, but I do know that it does really bother me to realize that I am not in control of my brain, and that it has absolute control of me. This may take some getting used to.
3 comments:
I still would like to give Rusty Nail a piece of my mind!
Of course I am fucking skeptical. The emotional roller coaster ride I have been for the past 9 years has been fucking real, whether your mental state was a manifestation or if it was real does not change the fact that I and the kids have been put through the ringer.
I told you that I am happy that you felt a weight was lifted from your shoulders that it spoke to you deep down within. I am beyond happy that you felt you had a break through. But all of that does not just cancel out what I have had to live with, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
I love you. I just had to get that off my chest. XOXO
Good to see you back. :) Sorry about work, and Rusty Jerk.
Sometimes I think that knowing your brain is not functioning at 100% makes it even worse. If that makes sense.
I spent several years on antidepressants and I never trusted my emotions because I always thought of myself as whacked. I didn't trust my judgment on anything! It's just a horrible feeling.
I sure hope you get this all figured out so you can live to your biggest potential. :)
When is the move planned? Is it out of the area you are in or a reassignment at the same spot?
Glad to hear that Doc has been able to drag some things out. I think that once you start really understanding some of the crap that goes on in our brains, it helps in dealing with it. It can be like Lisa says, but at least a bit of understanding what you are going through, is easier than not knowing.
Post a Comment