I hate the energizer bunny!!!

Look at this pink little shit!!  Mocking me behind those big ass Roy Orbison looking sunglasses.  BANG BANG BANG on the drum, relentless, unyielding.  I know why every eats those PEEP marshmallow treats for Easter.  You can actually bite the head off of one of those damn pink bunnies and chew on it.  One moment of bliss, and as a bonus, they taste pretty good too!!!  Then out of nowhere, "Why is my foot tapping?"  "Why do I suddenly want to get up and jump around?"  DAMN SUGAR RUSH.  I blame you Mr. Energizity hippity hoppity fucking bunny!!!!

 

There, now I feel better.  Another sleepless night, and after re-reading that first paragraph, I think it might be starting to show...

 

Tomorrow morning, or actually later this morning we pick up another class.  Looking forward to having an actual job again!  DAMN, my alarm is going to wake me up in an hour to get ready for work.  I can't wait to drink a beer or 9 Saturday, that should help me get to sleep.  I hope anyway.

 

Oh, I don't know why I keep forgetting to mention it, seeing as how I check the tracking service almost hourly, But I finally talked Kaytabug into letting me get an iPhone.  By the last report, it was in Alaska, and I should have it in my non pink, fluffy hands Monday!  I CAN'T WAIT.  Already looking online for all types of themes and cracks and hacks.  I am so excited.  You can expect a full blog post advertisement for it in a week or so!!!  If you want a reason to hate the iphone, check Kaytabug's blog at about the same time.  She will probably be posting about how much time I spend with it, and how little I spend with her.  

That's alright, I think she should be expecting it to some degree,  You know, boys and their toys.  Anyway, time to do some more research on Dysthymia, and Insomnia!!  "Snoochie Bootchies!!!"

The other end of the spectrum

Well, here it is 1230 in the morning and I am wide awake as ever. Unbelievable! For the past 2 weeks, all I could do was sleep, and tonight, no such luck. I think that I was actually asleep for 30 minutes at one point.

So, after all of that, here I sit my lazy insomniac ass on the couch watching some of the worst shows ever created. And no, for some reason I can't change the fucking channel. It's like you get sucked into the stupidity of the show, and you just can't help but watch. Maybe there are some subliminal messages in this show that are telling me to keep watching. But, then again it could be the fact that there are half naked women showing up throughout this show... No, on second thought, I definately think it's subliminal messages.

I feel better now that that tirade is over. I think I am going to try to get some sleep. Good nite all!!!

The Day After...

Last night Kaytabug again called Dr. Spock at my wishes. I was sitting at the table with her, she had made spaghetti for dinner, and all of our kids were playing outside with the neighbors. I didn't feel like eating but saw her go sit down, so I get up off my ass and go get a bowl of spaghetti and sit down to eat with her. It was an honest gesture, but I froze. I got caught in a moment of not wanting to move. Kaytabug said it was 5 minutes, and truthfully that is the only estimate I have, because I have no idea how long it was. Spock was grateful for the call and agreed to continue with the plan that we talked about earlier yesterday. Again I hate feeling like I am not in control.

So fast forward to this morning. Of course I did the same thing when my phone alarms went off. I finally get to work about 0900, and talk to my peers and my supervisor and tell them to come down to my classroom for a chat. So there I am sitting in my classroom with the 4 guys that I work closest with, and I wrote the term Dysthymia on the white board and listed the symptoms under it.

I spent the next 45 minutes discussing with these 4 guys the thing that has been making me act so strange. I flat out admitted my "weakness". I knew that it was something that I had to do in order to move on and in order to not add guilt to the issues that I am having.

It went well, and I think that it did help, they all seemed relatively open to it. It still felt weird to tell them about all of that. We talked about how I have recently been acting as compared to how I used to act and how my demeanor has changed. I think it was important for me to tell them all of this before the inevitable rumors began.

I picked up the new drug today and take the first dose tonight. Keep your fingers crossed.

Again, thanks for reading...

All I can say is that the drugs don't work...

I am about to share something, but knowing that the only one to read this will likely be Kaytabug, I am OK with that, because this is something that I haven't been able to describe to her.

Today: 0415hrs.
My alarm goes off, and I grab my phone which doubles and triples as my alarm clocks, and I think to myself, "Why." "Is PT really that important?"
Now I have been in the military for almost 13 years, and PT has always been that important. It has been part of my morning ritual for what seems like forever. And it has never been a choice that I had, I just got up and did it. No second thoughts, etc...

So anyway, "big deal" I am sure has crossed your mind by now, but for me the "Professional Soldier" it is a big deal. It is no small slip or minor breach for me. It was pure apathy, I was actually indifferent about it. Couldn't have cared less. Now let me take you back a bit to show this in progression....

Friday 4 April 2008: 0530hrs.
I took a PT test, now this is doing as many push-ups as you can in 2 minutes, then doing the same for sit-ups, then running two miles as fast as you can. This probably seems like a lot if you don't do it often, which I have.

Well did the push-ups and sit-ups fine. Then it took me 17 min 30 sec to run 2 miles. That is 30 seconds longer than I have allotted, so I failed! 13 years in, never ever failed that thing once, and now I do it here?! WTF? Now if you have ever run for more than a mile, you know that heart and desire and inner drive is what gets you to the finish line. Well for the first time in 13 years I had none of that. No desire to succeed, no desire for anything, not even to get there so I could just stop running. NOTHING. APATHY.

About a year and a half ago
i filled out my Post-Deployment Health Assessment and for the first time I decide to be honest about how I was and had been feeling. I was reffered to a Social Specialist who further reffered me to my current Psychiatrist. (Spock shall be his name) Anyway Dr. Spock ( You KNOW that was damn FUNNY!!!) put me on a drug and says that I have:

Dysthymia:
A chronic mood disorder manifested as depression for most of the day, more days than not, accompanied by some of the following symptoms: poor appetite or overeating, insomnia or hypersomnia, low energy or fatigue, low self-esteem, poor concentration, difficulty making decisions, and feelings of hopelessness. See: mood disorders, under disorder, endogenous depression, exogenous depression

I know big words, but as I read this I actually felt better because all the things that I felt or haven't felt in the past 2 months or so are all still listed right there!!! No New Issue!

Anyway I digress, All went well for a solid 6-8 months, then it was like my body said: "no that one just isn't doing it for me anymore." So Spock puts me on like 3 other drugs, and it goes terribly wrong one day. I don't remember much but Kaytabug does not like it when I mow the lawn anymore, and I spent that night on post in the psyche ward. No kidding. So duh, Spock changes it up and we try 5 more drugs over the next 8 weeks or so, then he mentions Lithium. I go all in, Lithium and Prozac, for a while that had tamed the beast, and recently over the past few weeks my body decided to say "fuck you" again.

It is strange to do things that you don't necessarily want to do, but really can't control your own actions. It is disturbing to act in a way that you don't like to act, but at the same time have no way to change it.

I guess my hope for this is that it will in someway make me feel a bit more in control and hopefully this vent will allow me to move on and get my new drug tomorrow with a clean slate so to speak.

Thanks for reading, and I hope that this may help one of you as well.

What is up with this place?

Last weekend it was in the 70's. This weekend, in typical Misery (pronounced Missouri in this instance) fashion, it is in the 30's and has snowed briefly two times! The reason for the title of this post is not really weather related though.

Due to the crappy weather, our 3 lil ones begged and pleaded all morning to play the Xbox 360, you remember, the one I got totally free right before the holidays? Anyway, I decide to let them play it after picking up their rooms etc. Well they wanted to play Halo. The entire time that they are playing they are at each others throats, screaming and yelling and of course crying. It seems that they don't start getting along while playing for the first hour, and by then I am already about 30 minutes past my limit. Is this normal for siblings? I just don't get it.

Well, like i said before, thanks for listening, I mean reading.

The first official post from my phone

This is a test, there will finally be more to follow.