All I can say is that the drugs don't work...

I am about to share something, but knowing that the only one to read this will likely be Kaytabug, I am OK with that, because this is something that I haven't been able to describe to her.

Today: 0415hrs.
My alarm goes off, and I grab my phone which doubles and triples as my alarm clocks, and I think to myself, "Why." "Is PT really that important?"
Now I have been in the military for almost 13 years, and PT has always been that important. It has been part of my morning ritual for what seems like forever. And it has never been a choice that I had, I just got up and did it. No second thoughts, etc...

So anyway, "big deal" I am sure has crossed your mind by now, but for me the "Professional Soldier" it is a big deal. It is no small slip or minor breach for me. It was pure apathy, I was actually indifferent about it. Couldn't have cared less. Now let me take you back a bit to show this in progression....

Friday 4 April 2008: 0530hrs.
I took a PT test, now this is doing as many push-ups as you can in 2 minutes, then doing the same for sit-ups, then running two miles as fast as you can. This probably seems like a lot if you don't do it often, which I have.

Well did the push-ups and sit-ups fine. Then it took me 17 min 30 sec to run 2 miles. That is 30 seconds longer than I have allotted, so I failed! 13 years in, never ever failed that thing once, and now I do it here?! WTF? Now if you have ever run for more than a mile, you know that heart and desire and inner drive is what gets you to the finish line. Well for the first time in 13 years I had none of that. No desire to succeed, no desire for anything, not even to get there so I could just stop running. NOTHING. APATHY.

About a year and a half ago
i filled out my Post-Deployment Health Assessment and for the first time I decide to be honest about how I was and had been feeling. I was reffered to a Social Specialist who further reffered me to my current Psychiatrist. (Spock shall be his name) Anyway Dr. Spock ( You KNOW that was damn FUNNY!!!) put me on a drug and says that I have:

Dysthymia:
A chronic mood disorder manifested as depression for most of the day, more days than not, accompanied by some of the following symptoms: poor appetite or overeating, insomnia or hypersomnia, low energy or fatigue, low self-esteem, poor concentration, difficulty making decisions, and feelings of hopelessness. See: mood disorders, under disorder, endogenous depression, exogenous depression

I know big words, but as I read this I actually felt better because all the things that I felt or haven't felt in the past 2 months or so are all still listed right there!!! No New Issue!

Anyway I digress, All went well for a solid 6-8 months, then it was like my body said: "no that one just isn't doing it for me anymore." So Spock puts me on like 3 other drugs, and it goes terribly wrong one day. I don't remember much but Kaytabug does not like it when I mow the lawn anymore, and I spent that night on post in the psyche ward. No kidding. So duh, Spock changes it up and we try 5 more drugs over the next 8 weeks or so, then he mentions Lithium. I go all in, Lithium and Prozac, for a while that had tamed the beast, and recently over the past few weeks my body decided to say "fuck you" again.

It is strange to do things that you don't necessarily want to do, but really can't control your own actions. It is disturbing to act in a way that you don't like to act, but at the same time have no way to change it.

I guess my hope for this is that it will in someway make me feel a bit more in control and hopefully this vent will allow me to move on and get my new drug tomorrow with a clean slate so to speak.

Thanks for reading, and I hope that this may help one of you as well.