Excrements (the second movement)

After looking at numerous websites, trying to find something new that hasn’t been discussed with Dr. Spock, or the new guy known as Dr. Zhivago (he’s who I see for counseling now) I am still at a loss. I don’t know why I bother looking, I just get more hopeless every time because I realize that I may never know what the fuck is wrong, and if I don’t know what is wrong, then I can’t do anything to fix it. I want to talk to Spock about a brain biopsy. That is about the only physical thing left to do that might help. I asked him yesterday about committing myself to the psyche ward at the hospital on base. I know what that will bring about as far as the job and military go, but at this point I would rather lose that than my family. I just wish that those here that I work with would just take it seriously.

I can’t fully explain how it feels to be AFRAID to go to work. That fear stems from how I know I will feel the entire time that I am there, the fact that I know the life will be sucked out of me while I am there. What are they thinking about? Am I a piece of shit in their mind? Why can’t I control this? What if I lose my temper and let it show? That fear quickly turns to ANGER, ANGER AT MY PEERS AND SUPERVISORS FOR THE SMALL THINGS THAT THEY DO THROUGHOUT THE DAY THAT PUSH ALL OF MY BUTTONS. EVEN THOUGH I KNOW THAT IT IS NOT THEIR INTENT, IT IS JUST HOW I PERCEIVE THEIR ACTIONS AND WORDS. EVEN WHEN I KNOW THIS TO BE TRUE, AND TELL MYSELF THIS, I CANNOT GET OVER IT I DRIVE MYSELF CRAZY RUNNING IT THROUGH MY HEAD OVER AND OVER CREATING A FUCKING WHIRLWIND THAT ELIMINATES EVERYTHING ELSE until I am left with nothing and again I am apathetic, and listless. Emotionally drained and no better off than I was before. Then before long I start thinking about what just happened in my mind, and I for some reason decide to retrace the thoughts and try to figure out what the trigger was, and right about that time is when someone walks past and notices that I has a strange look on my face, and they SLAP ME ON THE KNEE AND TELL ME TO “CHEER UP”. Again it must be fucking nice to live in your lovely little fucking world where everything is perfect and nothing can put a frown on you pretty little fucking face!!! What the fuck is wrong with me, why am I thinking things like this? Is this normal? WTF? WTF? WTF? WTF? Why am I like this? Why can’t I fix this? Why do I let myself get this angry over dumb shit? Dumbshit? That’s what they think I am. I hate you all!!! But really, who cares? Does it matter? Here I am and here I will be until I am gone, (sigh).

Insult to injury: Today is Cheer Up Someone Lonely Day. How fucking ironic, and it starts again!