Excrements From a Hurricane Filled Mind

It must be nice to wake up in the morning with the sun shining bright in your mind. I am not talking about being clear-headed; I am talking about not having a Category 5 hurricane going on in there. No rhyme or reason to the thoughts that come and go, and no emotions but anger, hopelessness and despair. And as the day progresses, it gets worse and worse, and the more you deal with the people that you work with the more hectic and erratic your thoughts get. You spend most of your day trying to control your gestures, and actions and words to avoid being “labeled” as “crazy”, or worse yet a “piece of shit”

I am so tired of being told that I will “get past it” or better yet fucking “out-grow” it. Yesterday I was told to “cheer-up”; is there a manual for that, I mean is it so easy for you to just cheer up that you would think giving a command like that would have the same effect that telling your dog to sit would have, like I could just like that, have your gay, happy, sunny fucking outlook on the pile of shit that is in my fucking head and life?

3 weeks into counseling and about 5 weeks without meds and I feel worse and worse and worse. I couldn’t even enjoy myself when surrounded by TRUE friends during the 4th. I feel like it is only a matter of time before I lose my bearing and do or say something that I will regret. I am afraid of driving Kaytabug away and turning the boys into “mini-me’s” they all deserve better than what I am becoming. No one deserves this. No one deserves me. How is it possible that this would be getting more and more difficult to contain and control. Is this what is supposed to happen with counseling? Do I need to get back to the meds? Do I need to press the test results and commit myself?

Understanding can be a great thing; it is just too bad that no one tried to understand me when I was young. I don’t mean teenager years I mean from birth to now. The people who are supposed to show that undying devotion and commitment and desire to understand would rather I just “shut up”. I think I heard those words more than “I love you” as a child. But isn’t that the way everyone had it? Why is it that I can’t control myself now, and everyone else can? Why do I hate you for trying to understand? Why does it make me so angry when people try to understand? I am tired of being let down, just like my peers did when I shared my ailment with them and they have successfully alienated me at work and I feel like the biggest waste of space in the world, all because I tried to make them understand something they don’t want to acknowledge in their perfect little worlds! I FUCKING LOATHE THEM!